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I have been thinking a lot lately about weather.

Not this gorgeous fall that has embraced my neck of the woods the last few days but the weather that we bring with us wherever we go.

A few weeks ago, Circle de Luz inducted its newest class into the program.  When we do events that involve parents, we always translate everything that is said into Spanish, too.  Because speaking in English and then translating yourself into Spanish isn’t always the smoothest transition, one of our volunteers usually translates for us.

And every single time, when I thank Magdalena, I don’t thank her just for translating—which is incredible in and of itself, I thank her, also, for the weather she brings.  Because whatever Magdalena is talking about she makes exciting, she makes you not just want to be a part of it but already feel a part of it.  The weather she bring is warm and inviting and fun.  When Magdalena talks to you, whatever worries you have, whatever doubts you have, are abated.  I am in good hands, you cannot help but think.  I want to keep walking with her.  Her passion, her mindset, her spirit are contagious.  She buoys you.

And then there is Tim Gunn.  Every time I watch Project Runway, I am struck by Tim Gunn’s dear, sweet heart.  The weather he brings is calming.  It’s all reassurance and belief in you.  With Tim near, you cannot help but feel that everything is going to be okay.  That’s pretty incredible weather to bring to a situation.

There are, of course, people who don’t bring great weather to an experience.  They are cranky or dramatic or self-involved, and when they leave the space, there is an exhale of relief not just because that bad weather is gone but also because your weather is no longer impacted by their barometric pressure.  I find that the weather I bring to a situation is greatly impacted when I am witnessing a storm in front of me.  Boy, does that make my own weather turbulent or incredibly flat.

We bring weather to everything we do—to our interactions with ourselves and our interactions with others.  That weather might vary based on who we are with, how tired we are, what happened earlier that day, but it always informs how we experience life and how others experience life as they experience us.

And so I have been thinking about what weather I bring to situations and how true that weather is to who I am and how I want to be in this world.   I am realizing that when I don’t like the weather I am bringing (and it is not because I am caught in someone else’s storm), I have likely inverted my priorities, focusing on productivity over presence or that I have said yes to something that really should have been a no when I consider my Continuum of Wholeheartedness or that some self-care has been lacking (I am tired or hungry or need to go to the bathroom or have aches and pains).

Becoming super aware about the impact that we can have when we show up has made me want to be even more in charge of my weather.   Lately, I have been asking myself, “what weather do I want to bring to this experience; what is it that I want to offer?”  Doing that pre-planning has helped me be really aware of what other stuff I might be carrying around with me that I shouldn’t allow to impact others while also making me more sensitive to what I have to offer.  While there are so many things I don’t have control over in life, I can control how I show up and what I offer just by making space for my most gracious and generous self to show up.  When it comes to weather, if I cannot be enjoying a 75 degree sunny day at the beach, I’d like to at least feel like that to the people in my life:  peaceful, full of possibility, encouraging, inspiring.

What weather are you bringing on?

As many of you know, I am a football fan and the recent cases of domestic violence among NFL players weigh heavily on my mind.  I have a lot of thoughts that I am still sorting through about the role of professional sports and domestic violence, but I know unequivocally that we need to talk more about domestic violence and offer greater support so that every home may be a safe home.

In our country, here is the jarring reality:

One in four women (24.3 percent) and 1 in 7 men (13.8 percent) aged 18 and older in the United States has been the victim of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime.

Intimate partner violence alone affects more than 12 million people each year.

In support of Domestic Violence Awareness Month this October, Seal Press (the publisher of my two books) has reduced the price of four domestic violence resource ebooks to $0.99 for a full year at participating ebook retailers: Getting Free, Stop Signs, Helping Her Get Free, and You Can Be Free. A dedicated e-reader device isn’t necessary to read the promoted ebooks; titles can be read on tablets and mobile phones using any reading app, many of which are free.

For those that may be living with abuse or know someone who is, Lynn Fairweather, MSW, author of Stop Signs: Recognizing, Avoiding, and Escaping Abusive Relationships (2012), offers these twelve pieces of advice.

1. Knowledge is power. When it comes to preventing domestic abuse, learning to recognize the distinct patterns and behaviors associated with intimate partner violence can be lifesaving. Most abusive partners choose, test, and prime their future victims before they ever lay a hand on them. Learn their tactics, watch for red flags, and always follow your instinct—it serves to protect and guide you in potentially dangerous situations.

2. Don’t compare. Abuse is abuse, even if you were assaulted but not physically injured, even if you hit back in self-defense, or even if it happened when there was alcohol involved. Abuse is not defined by the severity of injuries or by the number of police reports made. Avoid comparing your experience to that of other people, and instead ask: do you feel safe in your relationship?

3. You are worthy. Believing yourself to be valuable, capable, and deserving of happiness may help give you the strength to leave a relationship that turns out to be dangerous. When we recognize ourselves as worthy of a healthy, respectful love we can better identify the partnerships that do not reflect that right.

4. Don’t walk in unless you are willing to walk out. When searching for a romantic match, you must make up your mind beforehand that you are comfortable ending the relationship if your needs are not met. Decide early in the process that you will never be so attached to an outcome that you end up sacrificing your principles or your safety.

5. Jealousy can destroy. A Trojan horse of relationship abuse, jealousy may first feel like a welcome gift, displaying evidence of a lover’s strong feelings and his/her fear of losing you to another. But the possessiveness of an abusive individual is not about real love, but rather ownership and the assumption of impending betrayal.

6. Beware of isolation. One control tactic used to separate victims from supporters that might otherwise identify the abuse or assist the victim is isolation, which can be accomplished by physically moving the victim to a remote location, disabling their communication devices, or turning the victim against their connections.

7. Assess threats. When assessing verbal threats from an abuser, consider context, purpose, ability, and content. As a general rule, the more detailed the threat, the more likely it is to be followed through with. Remember, too, that the absence of threat does not equal safety.

8. Know if it’s high-risk. Some types of abuse are more highly correlated with intimate partner homicide than others. For example, strangulation, threats with weapons, and sexual abuse are all high-risk markers in a domestic violence situation. Use extra caution when exiting the relationship.

9. The abuser is not your responsibility. An abuser’s job is made far easier when his victim believes they can stop the downward spiral of violence by being a better partner, fixing the abuser’s many problems, or making excuses for his behavior. It’s not your responsibility to save a damaged partner.

10. Develop a safety plan. If you have decided to leave an abusive relationship, the most important thing to do is make a personalized safety plan with an experienced advocate. Leaving ushers in the most dangerous time for many victims of abuse, and exiting without preparation can increase the chances that you will have to return out of fear or economic necessity.

11. Use your resources. Understanding the roles of police, advocates, prosecutors, and judges can help prepare victims for the realities of working with the social service and criminal justice systems. A wide variety of resources exist to support people who are trying to escape domestic abuse, so identify and access your allies before making the final leap to safety.

12. Create an emotional safety plan. For many victims, leaving does not stop the abuse or the psychological pain that comes with it. Plan with a professional around how to stay safe after the relationship ends, and create an “emotional safety plan” that includes self-care goals and the support of close friends or an experienced therapist.

If you are in danger, please call 911 or reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233  or TTY 1-800-787-3224.

“My uncle says Puerto Rican girls are F-I-N-E FINE,” he hisses, his hands groping for me in the traffic to get on the bus afterschool.  He is in third grade; I am in fourth grade. Already, I have grown ashamed of my body, of my looks, of who I am supposed to be because (as I see it) I speak Spanish.

This is what happens everyday after school.  A band of boys who have decided I am a target because of my Puerto Ricanness swarm at the bus door when I try to get on it, sticking their hands out, trying desperately to cop a feel of my non-existent bottom.

I swat their hands away.  I cover my body.  I say No.  It doesn’t get better.

Checking Out

When I finally get on that dark tin cylinder, I look for a window seat on the other side of the bus, so they can’t see me. Finally, I just start missing the bus after school. A teacher sees me and loads me in his car and drives me home. Though I don’t tell him what’s going on, I keep missing the bus or finding reasons to stay after school because it is the only way I know that I can keep myself safe.

Soon enough, I will find another way to keep myself safe.  I will disassociate from my body.  I will bind it, cover it, ignore it.  I will pretend it doesn’t exist.  I will not derive pleasure from it.  I will unknow it, because what I am learning from the boys around me is that my body is different and, if unleashed, could be dangerous to me.  It could put me in harm’s way.

I am so scared of getting any attention for my body that I pull away from it.  I fill my brains with as much smarts as I can fit in there.  I do as much good as I can.  I become the living embodiment of the good girl, because my body, I understand, could be very bad and something must make up for it.

From Meeting My Own Body by Rosie Molinary in Yoga and Body Image (October 2014)

I am so excited to share with you all that the book that I contributed an essay to not long ago, Yoga and Body Image: 25 Personal Stories About Beauty, Bravery & Loving Your Body, is now available for purchase… everywhere! With these inspiring personal stories, you can learn how yoga not only affects your body but also the way you feel about your body.

Each author offers a unique perspective on how yoga has shaped his or her life and provides tips for using yoga to find self-empowerment and a renewed body image. By bringing together a diverse collection of voices that span the spectrum of human experience, this anthology showcases the power that comes from embodiment.  It was such an honor for me to be invited to share my journey to yoga and through yoga in this anthology, and I cannot wait to read what all the other contributors shared!

Contributors include: Anna Guest-Jelley, Melanie Klein, Alanis Morrisette, Seane Corn, Bryan Kest, Melody Moore, Nita Rubio, Claire Mysko, Shana Meyerson, Audrey Bilger, Teo Drake, Kerrie Kauer, Dianne Bondy, Linda Sparrowe, Sara Gottfried, Chelsea Jackson, Vytas Baskauskas, Kate Clere McIntyre, Joni Yung, Marianne Elliott, Dawn Dalili, Rolf Gates, Ryan McGraw and Carrie Tynan Barrepski.

Peek inside the pages and grab your copy of the book here.