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A couple weekends ago, I came across a cache of mix tapes from the 1990s and early 2000s while I was cleaning out our attic.  Much to my amusement, one of the tapes was made right after I found out my boyfriend had cheated on me.

With just the tape and no “liner notes” in hand, I expected to find a really melodramatic soundtrack of that moment in my life.

And while there was one epic moment where my own explosive laughter almost drove me off the road (one of the selling points of my car was that it still had a tape deck in the era- a while ago- where CD was king since I have MANY mix tapes), the biggest revelation was side 2 where the songs focused much more on how I felt about the future.  The mix tape for me was a powerful reminder of how conflicted I had been back then about how I thought I should react versus how I wanted to react.

When I shared my find on social media, lots of people asked for the playlist.  I’ve now driven back and forth to the gym enough to hear the full soundtrack of that moment in time.  Here’s the playlist for the mix tape I am renaming Soundtrack of Heartache and Hope and a few little notes on why I think the songs spoke to me at the time.

Side A:  Heartache 

Heartache Tonight  by The Eagles   Well, not much explanation is needed here, is it? Not a song from the 1990s, but, at that point in my life, my musical taste was a mix of classic rock and alternative music.

For Just a Moment by David Foster  So, this song was definitely the biggest surprise to me when I heard it.  I was absolutely shocked to hear it on the tape as it was much more sentimental that I was at that time and not my style.  I couldn’t imagine how I even owned it to put it on the tape and then I remembered that it was on the St. Elmo’s Fire soundtrack and I most definitely owned that.  That said, time goes on; people touch and they’re gone.

Nothing Compares 2U  by Sinead O’Connor  I loved Sinead’s music back then especially her political stuff (Black Boys on Mopeds still chokes me up.).  While I didn’t guess this would be on here (my dear friend Laura did), I still knew all the words when I heard it.

What if We Give It Away by REM  There was no question that REM would be on here (and, fair warning, they are on here A LOT).  I think that one simple question: what if we give it away was what was on my mind at the time.  When you are that young, you think of your relationship in such absolutes and I know that I was overwhelmed by what seemed like a colossal life shaping decision before me.

Running to Stand Still by U2  This song is actually in my top 5-10 of all time favorite songs although I am not sure that I loved it that much then.  This song was written about a heroin-addicted couple living in what became infamous flats in Dublin but I’ve always found a message about personal discovery and empowerment in it.  Back then, I think the opening lines spoke to me:  And so she woke up/Woke up from where she was/Lying still/Said I gotta do something/About where we’re going.  Now, when I listen to this song, I am always most struck by: You got to cry without weeping/Talk without speaking/Scream without raising your voice.

Somebody by Depeche Mode  I remember thinking they got this one just right in terms of what I wanted from somebody.

Never Say Goodbye by Bon Jovi   Well, of course, you follow Depeche Mode with Bon Jovi.

You and me and my old friends/ Hoping it would never end/ Say goodbye, never say goodbye/ Holdin’ on – we got to try/ Holdin’ on to never say goodbye

If You Leave by Orchestral Manoeuvres In the Dark  

Naturally, The Pretty in Pink soundtrack had to make it on here if the St. Elmo’s Fire one did.

In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel 

Again with the movie soundtracks (this one is from Say Anything).  But I know so many lines in this song spoke to me then:

love I get so lost, sometimes/ days pass and this emptiness fills my heart/when I want to run away/ I drive off in my car/ but whichever way I go/ I come back to the place you are

all my instincts, they return/ and the grand facade, so soon will burn/ without a noise, without my pride/ I reach out from the inside

CHORUS 

love, I don’t like to see so much pain/ so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away/ I get so tired of working so hard for our survival

Love’s Recovery by The Indigo Girls

I spent one entire winter break in high school (while in Puerto Rico visiting family) playing the Indigo Girls self-titled tape over and over again on my walkman.  It was the most perfect soundtrack for that time in my life.  I couldn’t help but smile when I heard this song come on 20+ years later.

While I am certain that I chose this song for these lyrics:

During the time of which I speak it was hard to turn the other cheek/ To the blows of insecurity/ Feeding the cancer of my intellect the blood of love soon neglected/ Lay dying in the strength of its impurity/ Meanwhile our friends we thought were so together/ They’ve all gone and left each other in search of fairer weather/ And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast/ To the slim chance of love’s recovery.

It was these lyrics that stood out to me decades later:

There I am in younger days, star gazing,/ Painting picture perfect maps of how my life and love would be/ Not counting the unmarked paths of misdirection/ My compass, faith in love’s perfection/ I missed ten million miles of road I should have seen 

I Will Not Take These Things for Granted by Toad the Wet Sprocket 

Loved this album and totally expected to find Walk on the Ocean on here.  Instead, I found this quiet, soul-searching song.

One part of me just wants to tell you everything/ One part just needs the quiet/ And if I’m lonely here, I’m lonely here/ And on the telephone/ You offer reassurance

I will not take these things for granted

How can I hold the part of me that only you can carry/ It needs a strength I haven’t found

Untitled by REM 

Oh, this little gem of an REM song.  Super simple, not well known, but deeply resonant.  I think it was my transition song to the other side.

This world is big (this world is big)/ And so awake (and so awake)/ I stayed up late (I stayed up late)/ To hear your voice

This light is here (this light is here)/ To keep you warm (to keep you warm)/ This song is here (this song is here)/ To keep you strong

Side B:  HOPE 

Something to Say by The Connells

This is where I started (on the tape) moving past heartbreak, I’d say.  But to be true to the stages of grief, I had to go to anger first.  So here we are:

Oh, you never learned the ‘Whens’ and ‘Wheres’ and ‘Whys’/ And I still believe that you were dying to be everything/ To everyone and for all time/ Ah, the golden boy did you stop trying?

Seven Bridges Road by The Eagles 

Here’s a peek, I think, of what I thought I should do even though I wasn’t quite ready to do it yet.

Now I have loved you like a baby/ Like some lonesome child/ And I have loved you in a tame way/ And I have loved you wild

Sometimes there’s a part of me/ Has to turn from here and go/ Running like a child from these warm stars/ Down the Seven Bridges Road

Southern Cross by Crosby, Stills & Nash 

So we cheated and we lied and we tested/ And we never failed to fail it was the easiest thing to do/ You will survive being bested/ Somebody fine will come along make me forget about loving you/ At the southern cross

These Days by REM 

This was all about giving me perspective about how much life was still ahead of me.  Also, there can never be too much REM on a mix tape.

I Still Haven’t Found What I Am Looking For by U2

No explanation needed here.

Fast Car by Tracy Chapman 

While Fast Car really looked at the issue of poverty and that is why it had such resonance for me when I first heard it, in the case of this tape, I think I was connected to the idea of having a way to get out of a situation that wasn’t good.

You got a fast car/ I want a ticket to anywhere/ Maybe we make a deal/ Maybe together we can get somewhere/ Any place is better/ Starting from zero got nothing to lose/ Maybe we’ll make something/ Me myself I got nothing to prove

To Be With You by Mr. Big 

Hold on little girl/ Show me what he’s done to you/ Stand up little girl/ A broken heart can’t be that bad/ When it’s through, it’s through/ Fate will twist the both of you/ 
So come on baby come on over/ Let me be the one to show you

Why, yes, why don’t you (invisible future love) make yourself visible and do just that?

Hard to Handle by The Black Crowes 

And then he does (at least in song)

Baby, here I am/ I’m the man on the scene/ I can give you what you want/ But you gotta come home with me/ I have got some good old lovin’/ And I got some more in store/ When I get to throwin’ it on you/ You gotta come back for more

You Are the Everything by REM 

“…the stillness still that doesn’t end, but slowly drifts into sleep. The stars are the greatest thing you’ve ever seen and they’re there for you, for you alone, you are the everything”

Oh, this song.  It is probably in my top 2 of my all time favorite songs (Mystery by The Indigo Girls is my other all time favorite).  It was like my personal theme back then, reminding me of the exquisite pain and beauty of life.  Still so very true.

Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton 

And then this will be what the new love is like, of course.

Closer to Fine by The Indigo Girls 

the closer I am to fine, indeed.

Shiny Happy People by REM 

There’s no time to cry, happy, happy/ Put it in your heart where tomorrow shines

♥

So, there we have it; a snapshot to brokenhearted pain and wholehearted hope in the early 1990s.

What would have made your teenage heartbreak and hope mix tape?

There are so many misconceptions about eating disorders:  they are a rich, young white girl’s disease, that you can diagnose them just by looking at someone, that guys don’t have to worry about them.

And, yet, what researchers, treatment professionals, and those who are in treatment or recovery would tell you about eating disorders is that they are incredibly complex.  They cannot be contained in pithy myths or assumptions and our out-dated and small understanding of them is limiting our ability to prevent and treat them.

We have to do better.  And doing better starts with knowing more.  Which is why I was excited to learn about an awareness and advocacy effort started by Cate of ASPIRE (Adults Support Peers In Recovery from Eating disorders) in Australia.  Cate’s idea was to raise awareness about eating disorders while raising funds to support research.

Here is what Cate said about her inspiration and effort:

I would like to see a challenge that has 3 main outcomes: firstly, truly raises awareness – ie: educates. It’s lovely to get EDs talked about, but not if the same old myths and inaccuracies are being rehashed. Let’s get some facts and figures out there and break down the stigma attached to EDs. Secondly it has to have nothing to do with food or exercise. Given my history of exercise addiction, the thought of suggesting someone run to raise awareness somehow strikes me as uncomfortably ironic. And thirdly, of course to raise money – but for whom? Charlotte’s Helix would have to be my pick. It’s a charity set up to support AN25K – an international scientific research effort investigating the genetics behind EDs.

So here’s what I’m suggesting:

1. SHOW YOUR SUPPORT

Literally SHOW it! Write it on your arm and wear it there for the day.

eep your arm message short and on point. Steer clear of body love aphorisms as the intention is to raise awareness specifically for EDs. Other suggested messages might be:

• Stop Eating Disorder Shame
• Eating Disorders – The Deadliest Mental Illness
• Eating Disorders Affect Anyone and Everyone
• You Can’t Tell Who Has An Eating Disorder By Looking
• Eating Disorders Affect Men Too
• There’s No Age Limit To An Eating Disorder
• Eating Disorders are Nobody’s Fault

Then of course spend the day explaining to every person you pass what your message means. And don’t forget to tell them some scientific facts and figures. If we want EDs to be taken seriously, we have to send a serious message. Tell them things such as:

• In the US 10 million women and 1 million men have eating disorders.
• In Australia around 2 million people suffer from an eating disorder.
• Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of all other mental illnesses.
• In the US research dollars for Alzheimer’s is around $88 per affected individual – for eating disorders it is around $0.93 per affected individual.
• In Australia there are only 22 public hospital beds designated to ED sufferers nation wide: Vic (15 beds), Qld (5 beds) and NSW (2 beds).
• Despite recovery being possible, around 20% of ED sufferers never recover

And don’t forget to tweet, instagram and FB your message. Use the hashtag:  #EDShowYourSupport

2. DONATE

In honour of the 20% of eating disorder sufferers who will die from their illness, please donate $20 to Charlotte’s Helix.

3. CHALLENGE

Keep the conversation going by challenging a friend to Show Their Support too. It definitely doesn’t have to be someone with an eating disorder. Anyone can help raise awareness – and the more that do the faster understanding will spread.

So when Cate challenged me to show my support, I was, of course, in.  I decided that the best day for me to show my support was on a Friday, when I teach Body Image Class so I could share the experience with my students.  In fact, one of my students “tattooed” my message to my skin because I decided it would be best to write it around my wrist since I so often have a cardigan on and that would hide the message if I wrote it on my forearm.

My message (since it is wrapped around my wrist and cannot fully be read in the photo) is that eating disorders do not discriminate.  #endED.  

I was able to have a good conversation with my class about the message as well as a friend who I met out for lunch and the woman who checked me out at Target.

And I was also able to make a worthwhile donation to the cause.  I wanted to donate to Charlotte’s Helix because eating disorder research is so important, but I couldn’t figure out how to make the donation work from the US (it kept asking me where I lived in England when I tried to put my donation through and even when I chose a fairly tale location, it rejected my donation) so I opted to donate to the National Eating Disorders Association.

While I would love for everyone to support this education and advocacy effort, I also want to honor Cate’s request and directly challenge someone to show her support.  So I am challenging the amazing Anna Guest-Jelley of Curvy Yoga to show her support!

If you decide to take the challenge, I hope you’ll share your experience here!