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In 1996, my college roommate and best friend gave me a gift that would change the way I approached life.

The Artist’s Way is billed as a twelve week course in discovering and recovering your creative self.  Doing the work laid out in this book fueled my self-awareness and helped me get incredibly clear about what I had to offer the world.  Because of this book, I realized how central writing was to my understanding of myself and critical in the work that I wanted to do in the world.  It inspired me to go get an MFA in Creative Writing.  I still do exercises from this book and constantly recommend it (I recommended it just last week to a student at Middlebury College when I was speaking there for Eating Disorders Awareness Week).

Thinking about the difference The Artist’s Way has made in my life inspired me to share with you some books that greatly encourage self-awareness and self-acceptance.  Are you looking for a book to gently inspire your personal growth, deepen your self-knowledge, and/or lead to motivation or acceptance?  Try one of these.

The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron

Considered the seminal work on the creative life, some people may see themselves as not creative and think this book has nothing to offer them, but it does.  Divided by weekly themes over twelve weeks, this instructive book gives your profound exercises to discover or recover a sense of safety, identity, power, integrity, and more.

Daring Greatly by Brené Brown

One of the most profound things we can do in this life is release guilt and shame and allow our vulnerability to actually be a gift to ourselves and to the world.  We build the most profound connections at our most vulnerable, and Brown uses her years of research to teach us how to practice daring greatly while inspiring us to have a new perspective on life.  Readers will especially enjoy the Daring Greatly Leadership Manifesto and the Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto.

Yogalosophy by Mandy Ingber

Yogalosophy is an action plan to re-pattern habits, develop positive self-talk, and channel emotions while using  intention, yoga, music, reflection and, if you would like, food as tools.  There’s an overview in the beginning and then a day by day plan with detailed instructions and photos for guidance.

The Desire Map by Danielle LaPorte

Part inspirational guide, part instructional workbook, The Desire Map shows you why how you feel matters and then guides you in claiming what your core desired feelings are in a fun and thorough workbook.  Ultimately, the idea is that you choose how you want to feel in life and then make choices in your life that guide you to those core desired feelings over and over again.

Beautiful You by Rosie Molinary

Since The Artist’s Way got me started on this deep self-awareness work, it seemed appropriate to include my contribution to this effort on this list.  Drawing on self-awareness, mind-body, and practical techniques, Beautiful You is an action plan to give women what they need to champion and fully live their own lives.  Every day starts with a short inspirational essay and is followed by one action to take that day.  With experiences ranging across ages and experiences, Beautiful You is a choose your own adventure to build your self-awareness and self-acceptance.

photo by Jill E. Williams

As has become tradition here on the blog, every Valentine’s Day, I tell the same story.  It’s the story of one of the biggest fights in my marriage to BF.  And though it seems like it is about a cupcake, I cannot stress enough that it is NOT about the cupcake:

This is the funny thing about our marriage.  BF and I are about as different as two people can be.  I mean, we are seriously different.  But this has worked to our advantage because it means we have to communicate and compromise about everything.  Anyway, because of our differences, we know that we’re not going to feel the same about most things, and so we just go into every discussion knowing there will be lots of communication until we get to the other side.  Since we don’t expect to see eye to eye on everything, we rarely fight.  Except when BF takes something that is mine. Without asking.  Because I just think that is disrespectful.

The most common thing I don’t want to share without being asked is my dessert.  Not because I want the sugar so badly (okay, maybe a little bit is that), I swear, but just because I think you shouldn’t take something that is not yours.  It would be one thing if he asked.  It would be another thing if I didn’t ALWAYS say, “I have a cookie in there I really want to eat, please don’t eat it.”  But I always do, and he never listens.

It’s enough to drive a woman who once won a Holly Hobby cake in a raffle as a four year old but was sick the day it came home and her family devoured it without saving her a piece bonkers.  No, there are no issues here.  Move along.  I just want to explain that my territorialness about sugar, I mean asking, has deep roots.  And I am forthright about it.  You’d think a boy would learn. But he hasn’t.  Or maybe he has, because just last week there was a mini-sugar situation in our house.  But this time BF didn’t eat my cookie (I made him his own set of cookies as a surprise and just asked to have one that I sealed away in aluminum foil for later), he threw it away.  And we survived it, and everyone went to bed happy at our house (or maybe I’ve just learned that there is no guarantee that one will enjoy any sugary goodness that lands in our house).  Unlike Valentine’s Day 2007.  Speaking of Valentine’s Day, happy day, BF.  I wouldn’t trade you for the world.  Or even a cupcake which I know is kinda hard to believe.

Here we go:

I love cake.  Grocery store cake to be specific.  Give me some grocery store vanilla cake with vanilla icing and you have a girl who doesn’t need any other sustenance.

Anyway, for Valentine’s Day 2007, BF’s aunt gave us two cupcakes.  Grocery store cupcakes.  With a lot of icing.  I was so psyched about the cupcake that in the car, on the way home from dinner at his aunt’s house, I was talking about when I was going to eat my cupcake.  Yes, I am simple; I don’t play otherwise.  I know this about myself, but, here is the thing, I don’t ever get grocery store cake or cupcakes and so a little part of me was dancing inside from the rare impending sugar rush.

BF looked at me nonchalantly and said, “You can have my cupcake.”

“Are you kidding me,”  I asked.  “Because if you are, that is just cruel.”

“I am not kidding you,” he answered.  “I don’t need to be eating that.”  He actually said that line with a hint of self-satisfaction, as if he were mature enough to rise above the cupcake trance that I was so clearly in. But I ignored him because I knew that I needed the cupcake– both cupcakes.  Whatever, dude, be self-righteous.  I just want the cupcakes.

So I started planning, aloud in the car, when I would eat each cupcake.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you,”  I exclaimed, as if he had given me something gold and shiny.  But this was better than gold and shiny.  Sugar is my gold and shiny.

Back home, I dropped my cupcakes off in the kitchen and then retreated to my office to work on whatever deadline I had approaching, and BF went to bed.  Finally at a good stopping place a couple hours later, I walked through the kitchen on the way to our bedroom.  My eyes darted to the cupcakes that I had so lovingly wrapped in tin foil.  Panic struck.  Even through the tin foil, I could see that one of the cupcakes was missing.  I opened up the foil.  Just one cupcake looked back.

Mercury rose through my spine.  I marched into the bedroom and noisily opened my dresser drawer, stomped my way into the bathroom, threw on every light, hummed my way through my bedtime routine until BF woke up with a jump.

“What?”  He asked, as he always does when he is awakened from a deep sleep (except for that one time I elbowed him to wake up his snoring self at the NUTCRACKER and he said something very different and not appropriate for the Nutcracker audience.  We have not returned to the Nutcracker.).

I turned to him, put my hands on my hips, and said “I can’t believe you would do something so tacky as to eat my cupcake without asking.”

“It was my cupcake,” he tried to reason.

“No it was not,”  I said.  “And that doesn’t matter because this is not about the cupcake.”

“It is too about the cupcake,” he insisted.

“It is not.  This is about you offering me something and then regretting the offering and rather than coming to ask me if you could have it back like an adult, you just did what you wanted.  That is no way to be in a partnership,”  I sneered.

“You’re just mad that I ate MY cupcake,” he volleyed.

“This is NOT about the cupcake,” I fumed and ranted and raved until we both just went to sleep.  And I promise it wasn’t about the cupcakes.  It was about what eating my cupcake without asking symbolized.  I swear.

In the morning, he looked at me when I hopped out of bed.  “I am sorry that I ate your cupcake,”  he offered.

“It’s not about you eating the cupcake,” I tried again.  “Don’t you get that?”

“Yeah, I do,”  he answered before leaving for work.  But I wondered all day if he really did get it.  Sure, I love cake, and I love the anticipation of cake.  But I also love sharing things I love with people that I love, and I would have been happy to give the cupcake back if he had just asked.  That night, he walked into the house with a six pack of grocery store cupcakes.

“What’s that?”  I honed in, my cake-dar on high.

“A peace offering,”  he answered.  “Now, you have five cupcakes all to yourself.”

I did a double take, clearly counting six cupcakes in the container.  “But there are six cupcakes,” the greedy little cake hoarder in me said.

“And one of them is mine,”  he smiled before walking into the kitchen, opening the case, and savoring his cupcake.

♥

Wishing you the happiest of Valentine’s Day as you celebrate the love- whether it comes from partnership, child(ren), parents, siblings, friends, colleagues- you have and give in your life.  May nobody eat your cupcakes.

We’ve all heard the sage advice flight attendants offer about meeting our needs so we can then be useful in a dicey plane situation: if the plane loses pressure and you are traveling with someone who needs assistance, be sure to put on your oxygen mask first.  The fact is you cannot be all that helpful to the person who needs assistance if you are passed out on the floor.

Put that way, basic self-care isn’t just an indulgence.  It is an act of survival.  It helps you function better, be better, feel better.  Self-care improves your overall sense of wellbeing, allowing you to really give your best gifts to the world.  And, ultimately, we are each here to do just that.

But how do you give yourself good care?  How do you know when it’s working?  How do you know when you need a tune-up or self-care intervention?  Here are some guidelines to get you started and keep you going. (and coming next week, a starter list of self-care activities in case you are short on ideas).

Watch for your SOS signs.  We all have them: behaviors that show us we’ve hit the wall.  It might be that you feel emotionally or physically exhausted or have a growing resentment towards other people (why am I the only one who ever volunteers to do this?).  It could be that you start taking everything personally or feel emotionally bruised.  It may be that your body or mind get so tightly wound that everything from stretching to thinking hurts.  It might be that you excessively crave sweet or salty foods or that you cannot sleep at night.  Whatever it is, know your breaking point and your triggers and commit to keeping distance from both by exercising good self-care.

Embrace the open road.  I know I am doing a good job of caring for myself when I feel internally at peace, even if things around me are busy.  I might have a long distance to go before I’ve reached the mile marker of my choice, but I know that I have everything I need- a tuned-up car, new tires, a full tank of gas, maps, good music, and people with whom to check in while I take on my journey.  Self-care makes the hard times feel less impossible, the dreams possible, and the every day life enjoyable.  What components do you need packed in your carry-on bag?

Take care of you.  Good self-care takes into account what you need physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  Examine ways you can take care of your physical body, your emotional health, your mental agility, and your sense of connection with the world, which for some is through a traditional faith path and for others is a sense of being in touch with the universe.  And then make sure that care shows up in your everyday life.  Expressions of self-care include moving daily, eating nutritious food, getting enough sleep, seeing the doctor, yoga, journaling, meditation, counseling, setting boundaries, reading, taking on both big and small challenges (the daily crossword, picking your guitar back up after 25 years), praying, reaching out to help someone else.

The truth about self-care is that it is the daily stuff that keeps you rooted while helping you thrive.   Over this week, make note of what you are doing for yourself in terms of self-care and where or when you feel fragile or unsupported.  Those details provide the information you need to refine your care and revitalize your soul.  And revitalizing your soul is the greatest responsibility you have in insuring your greatest sense of satisfaction, balance, and thriving.