“That dress looks great on you,” a friend mused as we walked together to some fancier than the usual college fare dinner.
“Oh, it’s not mine,” I demurred. “I borrowed it from my roommate.” My friend stopped, cocked her hip, and stared me in the eyes.
“Repeat after me. Thank you.”
“Yes, thank you, but I just didn’t want to take credit for the dress.”
“Girl, I am telling you that the dress looks good on YOU. I could not care less who the dress belongs to, I am just celebrating you. Promise me that you’ll never tell someone where something came from or that you got it on sale or none of that other nonsense again when they are just trying to compliment you.” She pleaded.
Though it can sometimes be hard, I try to take that powerful lesson about how to graciously receive a compliment to heart when I am offered one. I also try to graciously give out compliments because I know how much they can spark a person’s confidence. In fact, it takes just one earnest (so not of the backhanded or so easy to give it is kinda a throwaway) compliment to positively impact one’s self-esteem. Moreover, we all know how exhausting it can be to pay a compliment only to have the person deflect it (see: scene above where I totally wore out my well-intentioned friend). So in addition to graciously offering compliments, it is also important to graciously receiving them, saying thank you with genuine gratitude and letting the person know that he or she was been heard and their observation is appreciated.
Today: Offer five compliments to those around you and ground them in sincerity (for example, we often tell our kids they are the best person on their team when they are able to see that actually, no, Jimmy is the best player on the team. Rather than go over the top and general, get specific and real– You try so hard every time the ball comes to you or You always include all of your friends whenever a group is together). If you are offered a compliment, look the person in the eye, smile, and say, “thank you” without deflecting the offering the person has made.
1. What compliments did you give today? How did it feel to give those compliments? How did people receive them?
2. Did you receive any compliments today (and don’t worry if you didn’t!)? If so, were you able to graciously accept?
3. How are you feeling about yourself right now?
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1. What compliments did you give today? How did it feel to give those compliments? How did people receive them?
Today while nannying the 9 year old I sit each day, she played me a CD of music she’d recorded over the weekend. She was clearly very excited about the CD, but as she played it, she kept saying how horrible her voice was and how she looked like she could never be a singer. In all honesty, she has a very nice voice, and I told her that I enjoyed listening to her and wanted to hear her whole CD. It felt genuinely good to give this compliment, and particularly poignant because of her age and vulnerability. She seemed shy and a little skeptical, but I think she appreciated it.
2. Did you receive any compliments today (and don’t worry if you didn’t!)? If so, were you able to graciously accept?
I have been blogging a lot lately, and I am very proud of my writing but also self-conscious about what I’ve written. I worry it is not polished, not well conceived, etc. A neighbor that writes professionally commented that she had read some posts and thoroughly enjoyed them. I thanked her and felt moved that she’d taken the time to read the blog and seemed to have liked what I’d written.
3. How are you feeling about yourself right now?
I feel positive about myself right now despite having a difficult day with my recovery plan. I am committed to making tomorrow a better day and will remind myself of the goodness I can spread and that I can carry inside of me, regardless of my eating disorder.
Oh, Marissa, I love that you really lifted up your young charge, that’s awesome. I also love that you received that lovely compliment given to you. And, finally, your answer to number 3 is just it. The point of self-acceptance isn’t that everything goes right all the time. It’s that no matter how we might divert from our plan, we can still feel positively about our selves and have a sense of peace about our efforts and grateful that we always get to start over and try again. Thank you for sharing!
1. What compliments did you give today? How did it feel to give those compliments? How did people receive them?
I don’t think I made it to five compliments today, but I told a friend she’d handled a situation with her daughter well, it was one thing she was insecure about and I thought she had done well, and it was nice to tell her, she seemed to like it too. I told my Bikram teacher I enjoyed her class, and she gave me a big smile, which was a reward in itself. Oh, and mr S had been doing a lot of work on the house lately, and I told him it all looked great, and that I really appreciated the amount of care he put into the house, and he was happy with that, and it was nice for me to say it, because I’m not doing a lot towards this work on the house, but it is worth a lot to me, so I liked being able to verbalise that.
2. Did you receive any compliments today (and don’t worry if you didn’t!)? If so, were you able to graciously accept?
My Bikram teacher complimented me on a couple of my poses, but there wasn’t really time or occasion to accept, as I was sweating and working hard. I did say thank you in my head, and I smiled hard at her once.
3. How are you feeling about yourself right now?
Fine, it was a positive day with all those compliments!
Susannah, great compliments to give (I know spouses, moms, and teachers love being seen and having their hard, thoughtful work acknowledged!). And a hard smile is an awesome thank you!
I work as an optech, and people ask for our opinions about how they look in different pairs of glasses all the time. My manager and I try very hard to always be honest about how the glasses look on the individual, because they are spending their hard earned money on those glasses. But, in the process, they always find “the one”…and it is beautiful. Their faces light up, and you know they have found it. And we always compliment them. Always. But it is an honest compliment. I like giving compliments, and try to do so regularly. Sometimes people are surprised by them.
My husband compliments me on a daily basis, and he means every compliment he gives me. I have a very hard time accepting compliments, because I don’t feel as though I do anything to deserve them. However, I am working on this. There are some times now that when I receive a compliment I am able to accept it, even when I have to bite my tongue and possibly cringe inside.
Right now I feel okay about myself. But I still find myself basing my feelings about myself on how I look in the mirror…or how I ate…or how I did or did not exercise…my worth has been wrapped up in these things for so long it is hard to see that I have worth outside of this small world.
Valerie, Yes, finding just the right glasses can be so empowering and just the right statement. I love that help you people do that! And I also really appreciate that you are working hard on accepting compliments, even if you are cringing on the inside a little. Sometimes you have to fake it to make it so maybe accepting compliments will move to really embracing the compliments you are given soon enough. Finally, I am so sorry to hear that you are still battling with these judgments about your worth. Would revisiting Day 3 and 4 help? There are also some things coming up that might help!
I struggled for years and years with receiving compliments. As long as I saw no worth in myself, I perceived compliments as a picture from a distorting mirror. As I “knew” myself, my perception of myself “had to” be the right one, and the compliments the distorted ones.
How wrong I was! It was a shock to discover that I was the distorted mirror, and the compliments I received had much more truth than I would have ever thought!
Well, I now totally believe in sincere compliment and honest feed-back as a source of growth and self-confidence. I love to pay compliments as well as receive them!
Yesterday I complimented my daughter on e.g. how well she tidied up diverse areas, and how good these areas were consequently looking. She was obviously very proud of herself and did it again later.
Sincere compliments are also a big supporting column of the relationship with my husband. At the beginning he was surprised as I thanked him for the tasks he did in our household, as he thought it was “normal”. These tasks are so kind of irrelevant – though they are very important AND a big proof of love from the one doing them. By noticing and thanking/complimenting, we just accept the given love and give love back too.
Very powerfully said, Cecile. It seems impossible but quite easily we can be the distorted mirror! Also< i love that you and your husband have such a complimentary relationship. That's awesome and indeed an incredible way to give and receive love.
The first part is easy i find that giving compliments is easy so why is it so hard for me to accept them? I always deflect like your example i worry that they will think i am stuck up if i just say thanks! Who really knows what they are thinking and i should work on not caring what they think because it could be anything! I did receive a compliment and honestly i responded very positively what surprises me is that i had to really think hard if anyone had complimented me at the end of the day. How sad is that? I so focus on others that i don’t even allow myself a moment to love the loving comment made to me!
Faith, I promise you that if someone has taken the time to give you a compliment then he or she really wants you to receive it. They will not think you are stuck up for saying thanks as they already think X is true about you (You look great in that color, for example) and so you saying “Thank you” acknowledges their admiration rather than says “You should think this about me.” Does that make sense?