Today’s post comes from the glorious Polly Campbell, author of Imperfect Spirituality: Extraordinary Enlightenment for Ordinary People. Polly’s got a heart of gold and good wisdom to boot so I am thrilled to share her challenge for you today.
The gray stands out now. It’s loud against the dark of my hair. There are a few wrinkles around my eyes and mouth, marking my age like rings on a tree. And my body is a little lumpier than it used to be.
I can see all this, when I look in the mirror while I’m brushing my teeth. I notice it all. And all of it is okay. I don’t have to cover up that gray. I don’t have to hide the wrinkles. I don’t have to harangue, judge, fix, blame, deny, excuse myself for somehow not being right or good enough or young enough or thin enough. Not anymore. I have learned to be with me. To accept all that is.
Instead of judging myself – now, finally — I can be grateful that I’ve lived life long enough for some hair to go gray. I can bow my head and give thanks that I have smiled enough for there to be laugh-lines along my lips.
Or, I can simply see all of who I am and be with that without doing anything at all.
Self-acceptance is about seeing the truth without judgment. You don’t have to disparage the physical traits that you have deemed less than, nor do you have to attach to the so-called physical assets. You can simply accept all those little details that make you who you are.
Problem is we are not in the habit of doing this. We think we’ve got to have an opinion about everything. Criticism often comes easier, faster, louder than the compliments. We are hardest on ourselves. Somehow, we believe that pummeling our psyche is a way of motivating ourselves to fix our flaws. How much sense does that make?
Our flaws are not a problem – they are simply characteristics we possess. Those same characteristics are connected to the divine aspect of all that we are — our essence. They are not a liability or limitation. They simply are. Yet, we use them as weapons to make ourselves small.
Develop a habit of self-acceptance
Self-acceptance then, is about doing it differently. It’s about creating a new habit, one that allows you to see your life and yourself clearly, without angst or attachment. One that allows you to see all of whom you are without pushing it away.
When you do that, you become free. You are able to engage in your life, rather than excuse it. You are able to see clearly the possibility for peace and love and joy that’s been there, within you, all along.
Now, don’t start shaking your head. You can get there, with a little daily practice that will help you start the habit of self-acceptance.
Try this exercise adapted from Imperfect Spirituality: Extraordinary Enlightenment for Ordinary People.
Say What You See
Go to the mirror. Take a deep breath and look at your reflection. Then, say aloud, what you see. Without judgment. Just see what’s there: a curl of hair over your forehead. A stain on your shirt, a sunspot on the top of your hand, a blemish on your nose, white teeth, pink nail polish, brown eyes.
You don’t need to talk in terms of good or bad. The sunspot doesn’t mean you’re old, it is simply a sunspot. The brown eyes aren’t too small or too big, they are YOUR brown eyes.
When you get in the habit of seeing simply what’s there, step your practice up a notch and take that approach with others in your life. Instead of “my husband is looking old” the reality may be that he’s 50 years old. Your daughter isn’t “too fat” or “too thin” or “too messy” or “too pretty.” Your daughter is a spirit-filled being.
Acceptance simply says it like it is and leaves the rest behind. When you get in the habit of doing this for yourself, you’ll find that you also become kinder, more compassionate, more forgiving of the others in your life.
Today: Catch yourself, as you go through your routine. Notice the areas that you are judging or disparaging and rephrase. Simply take a closer look at what is and then say it another way: “I’m fat and ugly”, becomes “I weigh 200 pounds.” “My hair is a mess, transforms to my hair is curly.” “He’s a jerk” becomes “he used a loud voice that made me uncomfortable.”
When you stop creating stories and drama around the moments of your life you become more present. Anxiety and stress dissipate and you are free to respond in a more powerful, peaceful way. Acceptance is not resignation; it is the road to truth. From there you are free to connect to your spirit and see who you really are – a divine marvel.
1. How did you speak the truth to yourself today? What line did you change and how?
Remember that your comment here about your experience with the challenge enters you in the giveaways!
♥
Polly Campbell is the author of Imperfect Spirituality: Extraordinary Enlightenment for Ordinary People (Viva Editions, 2012). Her magazine articles appear regularly in national publications. She blogs at www.imperfectspirituality.com and is a sought after motivational speaker and workshop leader. Polly is also a football fan (Go Ducks!) and an experienced Go Fish player. She lives in Oregon.
Oh, I think this is going to be tough….
It is what it is. That is one of my husband’s favorite sayings. But I want to make something more out of everything. I am a very critical person, but 90% of that criticism is directed toward me, not others. If it weren’t for his love and praise of myself, some days there would be none at all. But when I read this work for today, I started really thinking about how I talk to myself, and I realized that this self-talk is the cause of most of the stress in my life; I am the only one who has the power to change it. So I made a very small, but very important start. My favorite thing to hate and criticize is my stomach/abdomen…so I made a positive statement to myself about my abdomen. Instead of the usual “oh my god, my stomach is so droopy and puffy and looks terrible in all I wear” I looked at my stomach and said “my stomach has some extra padding and loose skin, but this is because I have birthed six wonderful children…it is part of who I am and part of the reason I have six wonderful children in my life”. It is what it is, so I can learn to accept it, be kind to it, and move on.
I will try to be mindful of my judgments today. I find that just noticing them is a challenge! They are second nature to me…I’m really good at it! I like the suggestion to rephrase the judgments just as statements of fact.
My mind moans “Give up, already. It’s (the dream, the plan) too big for you.” So now I will listen and follow my heart, my Spirit, who whispers, “One more try. Keep going. Believe.”
I have already lied to myself today. I told myself that 300g weight increase is fine. It isn’t but I don’t want it to be more than that. Today’s truth is that I need to put on healthy weight and more than 300g every fortnight. I need to be comfortable with gaining healthy weight and stop trying to cheat the system.
I let a digital number which flashes up on the bathroom scales dictate how I feel about myself; whether or not I feel confident, pretty, happy. That didn’t used to be the case. I was able to make myself happy! I knew my good points and embraced them and was accepting of my bad points because they were still part of me and nobody’s perfect!
The line I am going to work on changing is the following: “A bigger number on the scales means I am getting fat.” I will work on believing and being comfortable with the line “A bigger number on the scales means that I am closer to being healthy again.”
I don’t like my stomach and compare it to those of models and athletes (I am neither, nor do I want to put the effort in to look like either!). This is an unrealistic comparison. My stomach is rounded because I am a woman. That curve represents the centre of my nourishment and where, one day, I hope to nourish a baby! More importantly, I am so much more than my stomach! I love my eyes!
This challenge is a toughie for all of us, I suspect. I expect I’ll have to make a conscious effort for some time to change the lines around; however, the outcome will be a happier, healthier, more confident and independent young lady again. I’m looking forward to seeing her reflection in the mirror again!
This is really hard for me, too! I don’t weigh myself anymore and I’ve been wondering if I’ve lost weight and need to get those thoughts out of my head. My clothes fit fine right now, so maybe that’s what I need to do. Because if I start wondering if I’ve lost weight, I might be tempted to weigh myself and it can become obsessive after that…. does this count?
I was right. This is really hard. Especially when trying to find something to wear. And it keeps pointing me back to the original body warrior pledge.
Emily, which part of you do you like? Even if it’s something seemingly insignificant like the shape of your nails, or your ears! Then try picking an outfit but paying special attention to that part you like.
For example, you put on a purple dress and then paint your nails a soft pink to compliment it. Pamper that part of you that you like and are confident about then, when you step out of the house and if you’re struck by a pang of insecurity, look at your painted nails and appreciate them and SMILE. I’m learning that walking with my head up and my mouth not turned down not only makes me feel a little more confident but I also find other people not so intimidating, I’m equal to them.
I’m hoping that the more we learn to like our good bits the more we’ll project those to others. In my case, I like my eyes but I don’t like my stomach. So, I take my time over my eye make up and, applying day 2’s challenge, I make eye contact with people! If they’re looking me in the eye then they’re not looking at my stomach (not that they ever would be anyway!).
We’ve all got our good bits, it may take some of us longer than others to find them and/or accept them, but we do and I will confidently say that you do too!
For I don’t remember how long, but for a while now (years, really), I have made it a daily habit to look at myself in the eyes in the mirror as I wash my hands and smile. At first it felt forced. So very forced. Then I started melting into the smile and sending love to myself. I think that was the real beginning of my self-love journey.
Last summer I did some intense work on accepting my belly. (Oh so difficult. Still working on it, really, but so much closer to acceptance instead of hate.)
This year, I’ve decided I need to stop hating my double chins. Easier said than done, but I am making progress. Letting it be what it is. I have skin and fat under my chin. When did that become a crime? When did that make anyone not beautiful?
(Answer: it doesn’t. There are many people I find beautiful who have double chins. Ah, but in the media, most people either position themselves to receed the double chin or photoshop takes it out of the photo. Yes, indeed. My chin is not unique, though it feels that way sometimes.)
I love the idea of smiling at yourself in the mirror! I may have to borrow that. 🙂
Before: “I wonder what my husband is thinking about me writing this long letter to a dear friend. Maybe he is judging me for not working right now. Maybe he thinks I’m lazy, or I’m making wrong priorities,or….”
After: “Great, I’ve done the work I wanted, now I have time to write this long letter to my dear friend. I’m enjoying it.”
And… my husband only asked if he could take my letter in order to post it.
OH mercy- I’d gotten 3 hours of sleep last night when I had to wake up. My eyes were so burning & red, but I was happy to be up, hair looked pretty good, and I was excited for the adventure ahead of me.
I really love Polly’s outlook! Now -the hard part is to change my thinking. My self talk is pretty negative, I know . I do try to give compliments (sincere ones) to others… Need to figure how to do this with myself. It is what it is.
Like many, I’m my own harshest critic, so today when I saw the beginnings of wrinkles appearing on my neck and forhead, I tried valiantly to see them as they are- my surprise? I still looked like my happy self and all the pain went away.
I love my wrinkles…they are my laugh lines…they remind me that I have six wonderful children and a husband who all make me laugh long and often, each in their own individual way. Thank you for reminding me of that:).
This one is tough, yet my whole being KNOWS its exactly what I need to be doing, I have looked at myself for years thinking of all the things that need “fixing”
Its tough not to look and not be a critic, but it IS what it IS and it is ME!!! One of a kind, original ME!!!
These challenges couldnt of come at a better time, THANK YOU!!!!!
So, I think I did well on this today,
Instead of trying to straighten my hair, I just blow dried the front and let the rest dry curly. And I enjoyed the fact that it’s going grey, I decided a couple of months ago to let the dye grow out, and it looks fine.
I also took a good look at myself in the mirror, and instead of counting spots and scars, and wrinkles, I just saw me. And I went out with minimal make up, just eye liner and mascara, and no foundation. I can’t remember the last time I did that!
Oh and I enjoyed my yoga class today. I could do most things, but there were some asanas that are always hard for me (for instance, I have a hard time getting into handstands), and I was ok with that today, I did what I could, asked for help when I could use some, and enjoyed every minute of it. No judgment of myself and my progress at all.
This is why I’m glad for this challenge. I am my own harshest critic. BUT today I started to change my critical thinking. I stepped out of a bathroom stall and caught my reflection in the mirror and started to think, “my hair looks terrible!” I quickly reminded myself that it’s humid outside and my hair was simply reacting to the extra moisture in the air. I could fight it or I could accept it. It also reminded me that I don’t have to look perfect in order to be taken seriously and pointed me back to the commitment I made as part of the body warrior pledge. I am of worth simply because I am me.
1. How did you speak the truth to yourself today? What line did you change and how?
Today –
My gray hair is a thing of beauty, my age spot is just that – an age spot and my changing skin is just skin.
I made the decision this morning, and verbalized it out loud, that today would be a good day. I lasted until 1pm (lunch)at which time I found out frustrating news. It took me until 7pm, with a bunch of house cleaning to burn stress, before I felt that things would be ok.
Oh man. This was kinda hard for me.
I uhm, had relations with my love today and we actually TALKED about this … how I see my body vs. how he sees my body … and how I am doing Shine because I want to accept what I look like. (He was supportive!) But yeah, I am smart, I am funny, I am determined, but I struggle with “I have nice hair, my blue eyes are bright, these straight teeth are awesome!” lines. Though, they are true.
As I go to bed tonight, I’ll repeat them to myself. Promise.
Of course, I noticed these wrinkles on my face, I know I have some gray hair. It’s hard for me to find shoes because my feet are so small. Anyway, all these details are not important because my son use to say : “Mom,you are beautiful!”. Details? Forgotten!! I focus on those 4 words and my son’s love message.
this was hard for me, and because it was hard i realize how harsh i am on myself. i even tried to be funny with it and say “hey sexy” when i looked into the mirror. i laughed. i am learning!
I thought I subscribed to this but I’m not getting any updates in my inbox 🙁
I was actually already talking to myself about this the past few days. I think the biggest thing I’ve learned to do to speak the truth to myself is just telling myself it’s okay. It’s okay to let okay, it’s okay to have some indulgences, it’s okay to go out late once in awhile with my husband (or sleep in the next day!). My biggest issues with myself are holding onto and obsessing over past issues.
Erica and everyone, a few people have asked about the email subscription so let me clarify that right now. The e-newsletter and the e-mail feed are two different things. If you signed up for the newsletter, you’ll get one to two email newsletters from me. If you would like to receive the blogs as soon as they are published via email, you simply need to click on the white envelope icon on the upper right hand of the blog screen. It’ll ask you to enter your email address and then you are set. Thanks!
Great posts about your experiences, everyone. I love seeing how you are working to shift your thinking to gentler and less (or non) judgmental observations. I am the worst mother in the world becomes I reacted more strongly than I would like to that behavior, etc. etc. Keep reframing because with practice, the negative voices lose their steam. I don’t always love how something looks on me or how I look in the mirror but I don’t ever judge or beat myself up about it anymore. I simply say, “Today’s not a good day to wear this dress” or “I seem to be tired. I should give myself some rest” and move on. I’m not magic or super human. I just practiced and broke the habit of negative speak so that I could make room for other things that are more important. Thank you for your continued passionate, honest sharing. So honored to be on this journey with you!
Lately, I’ve been in a very stressful place in my life with far too many demands on my time, money, and energy. As a result, I haven’t treated my body and my health very well. I feel tired, in poor health, out of shape, and conscious of the weight gain that’s resulted from this stressful time. My usual inner voice speaks in harsh extremes, usually paired with criticism — i.e. “You will always be _______ [fat/exhausted/ill] because you ______ [have no willpower/are lazy/don’t deserve happiness].” But today, this inspired me to change those wildly inaccurate extremes to truths. Instead I can say “Right now, I am experiencing a lot of stress. I am not getting enough sleep, I have a chronic sinus infection, and I have gained weight.” These honest truths create space for here-and-now acceptance and create awareness of small things I CAN change to treat myself better.