An alternative to the traditional author bio

So, there are few things I enjoy less than being formally introduced.  Let’s say I am giving a workshop at a college somewhere.  To introduce me, the student in charge has likely downloaded my bio off my web-site which contains a lot of stuff that is not really interesting to anyone except an editor who might hire me (hence why it is on the web-site bio).  But, seriously, no one else cares that I’ve published in Snake Nation Press (except maybe me), if you will.  I’ll say, “hey, don’t worry about reading that bio to introduce me”, and, yet, countless times that bio gets read verbatim and everyone’s eyes gloss over and I kinda want to die inside (okay, I really want to die inside) because it is just so embarassing to me to have someone else talking about me- especially about all this generally uninteresting stuff. 

Fast forward to last week when I had to write the bio for the new book.  It’s shorter now, but it’s still not all that helpful if you really want to get a sense of who I am as a person.  Since writing the new bio, I’ve been thinking about what an alternate bio should say and this is what I came up with… wonder if I can still submit it for the book? 

Rosie Molinary is a thirtysomething who loves cupcakes more than the average 8 year old.  That seems kinda precious, but, seriously, don’t mess with her cupcakes.  It won’t turn out well.  In addition to cupcakes, Molinary enjoys Rocky Road ice cream but is allergic to nuts.  This means that she spits out the nuts while she eats the ice cream.  This, she will tell you, shows that she is willing to live life right up on the edge.  And because she is willing to live life on the edge, she’ll say yes to most any opportunity presented to her- parasailing (only to remember that she is terrified of heights when she is hundreds of feet above the ocean staring down at the jellyfish below), surfing (only to remember that she is terrified of being shark bait while she’s waiting for the perfect wave), and cycling over a hundred miles in one day (only to realize that it really isn’t all that comfortable to sit on a bike seat for that long).  In her free time, Molinary enjoys organizing closets, obsessing over NFL and fantasy football, and figuring out how to convince her husband (who she inexplicably calls her boyfriend which produces all sorts of confusion from those who do not know her all that well) that she was the last one to change their child’s “crime scene.”  Yes, she calls her child’s offensive diaper a crime scene.  She’s funny like that.  And she likes to tell people, especially her husband, that she’s funny; thereby proving that she probably really isn’t.  If you are in an emergency situation, Molinary is your girl.  She responds well in a crisis and is pretty even tempered; unless, of course, your crisis involves a whole lot of blood as she’s a medical fainter and will check out on you in a skinny minute.  But when she comes to, she will hop up really quickly and act like nothing ever happened which will make you feel better until the head rush causes her to pass out again.  It’s a vicious cycle, but at least she’s consistent.  And, though it may be cliche and she’s never been in a pageant, Molinary really wants world peace.  To that end, she tries to be as sweet, non-confrontational, and sunshiney and lighty as a girl can be (except for when it comes to football and cupcakes where all bets are off).