Yep. Someone asked me that promptly after our being introduced. The question didn’t offend me in the moment, but it really did startle me as folks aren’t usually that forward in the South (come to find out she was just visiting relatives in our small town and not from the South at all) and certainly not where we live. And it also worried me as I would hate for the question to be asked again at a time when baby can understand what’s being asked because it insinuates something about family that I don’t believe.
I grew up with very little literal family around me. All of our relatives were back in Puerto Rico as my nuclear family made its way through the ebbs and flow of our lives here. And so family, out of necessity, cultural norms, and personal values, to me became not just a literal definition of blood relative but a figurative definition as well– the people who fill up your heart because they care infinitely about you, they get you, they love you in spite of yourself and the people you give that same grace back to in turn.
Although we flew over to meet baby and bring him home, I don’t think about that part of our story as “getting” baby. Because we came together with baby so serendiptiously, so divinely, baby coming into our family, to me, is like my niece or nephew coming into my sister’s family. My niece and nephew were clearly the children my sister and brother-in-law were meant to have. They didn’t just “get” these babies. And our baby is clearly the baby we were meant to have. We didn’t just “get” him. And while we will be open with baby about his adoption– which is a singular event in our lives and not his status (it has driven me insane for the last 10 years or more when a newspaper article refers to a child as someone’s adopted son or daughter when the article has nothing to do with adoption at all)– the feelings we have about how our family came together is that this child was meant to be part of our family.
Getting is such an arbitrary thought when it comes to family, so happenstance, so casual. It’s not how families come together. It’s not how they stay. It is an oversimplication of life, a stripping down of something rich, a negating of our truth.
Southern manners should be taught in evey school across the country..
I guess the only nice way I could answer that would be to say ” we got him from god” … I cant tell U all the smart a** come backs to that stupid question that popped into my head when I read this.. Ill just save those for an email..lol 😉
Family is the love we have for eachother, not the DNA we share..
I have answered this question with, My daughter was born in Ethiopia or for my other daughter, she was born in Guatemala. straight and simple!!
That’s exactly what I said, Debbie, “He was born in Ethiopia.” Thanks for sharing! It’s good to know how others handle these questions and different issues!
Yvette is so right on!! Especially the last sentence! I think that saying he is from God was a great answer. My sister experienced something similar when she had her daughter. Her daughter’s father is Native American, so my niece has dark skin & hair. She was getting on an airplane when a woman stopped to admire my niece. She told my sister, “She’s beautiful! Where did you get her from? A friend of mine just adopted a baby from China.” My sister was so angry! All she could say was, “I gave birth to her.” She didn’t want to bother explaining anything else to the woman. Its sad that some people are still so ignorant that they would ask questions like this. This country is made up of people in all colors, shapes & sizes. Sadly, some people still haven’t realized it!
Thanks so much for your support, Maria! Besos y Abrazos!