Get off the roller coaster.

Here is another piece I found in my sent items.  This was an email to a younger friend who went through a period last year of breaking up and then getting back together again (over and over) with a guy she knew was all wrong.  I checked in with her, and she replied that she was sorry that she had been out of touch, she had been on a roller coaster ride of late.  Here was my response:   

Are you off the roller coaster now? Get off.  Get off. Get off.  If we take this metaphor further, you are scared that there will never be another thrill and so getting off is scary to you.  But, seriously, is the thrill of the roller coaster worth those god awful “Oh shit” moments on it?  They’re really not. 

You are scared to be alone.  But really, is this guy, this relationship what you want?  I know it is not.  I know that what you are thinking is that this guy with a different sort of relationship is what you want.  But that’s not possible right now—not for where you are and not for where he is.  You are craving him.  You want him.  But you don’t need him. 

A friend’s father once said, “don’t look for someone you can live with.  There will be hundreds of men in your life with whom you can figure out some way to tolerate their flaws enough to live with them in your life.  Look for the guy that you can’t live without.  Use that as your standard, and you’ll get it right.”  Women too often try to be everything to every man who expresses interest because we want to be appealing, compelling, chosen.  From now on, up your standards, and you do the choosing.  But the very first choice you should make is you.  Choose you.  Love you.  Fight for you. 

I once made a rule- in my mid-twenties- that I wouldn’t date for at least a year.  It was the most brilliant thing I ever did.  I came out so certain and clear after that time away from dating.  You are young and beautiful with a whole life before you.  You change as much between 23-27 as you do between 18-22.  The problem of locking yourself down with someone right now is that the two of you might change in different directions and end up not compatible at all.  Then what do you do?  Decide that you are dating yourself and treat yourself with great dignity and respect.  When you have proven to be the best possible date to youself, and that will take a while, then you know that you are ready to date in the world.  But don’t even look.  Let it happen. When we go out looking, we are often willing to settle and overlook stuff we know we shouldn’t. 

Have faith.  Have clarity.  And be strong.  You are going to be more than okay.