I was cleaning out my sent items today and came across an email that I sent out about this time last year. A reader emailed me and mentioned that she had just ended a bad relationship and she was having a hard time finding any self love both because the relationship had beaten her down emotionally and also because she was disappointed in the way that she had allowed herself to get beaten down. I thought I would share my reponse and advice:
Hooray—you are taking the next step. You wallowed a bit and now it sounds like you want to move to the next step. You are doing great! So building up one’s self-esteem is hard work, but it sounds like you are ready. The great thing is that it is the best gift you can give yourself and your children. Here are some steps that came quickly to mind (a little prescription for yourself, if you will). You don’t have to do all of them at once, you don’t have to do all of them. They are just things that have worked for me. You can do these for a bit, see how they are going, and make any tweaks necessary.
1. Get a journal and get the book The Artist’s Way. Read the premise. See if you can commit to doing the 12 week session. I did it at 23, and it was revolutionary for me. Revolutionary. If you can commit to it, choose a start date and go.
2. I find that my sense of self has always come from believing more in what I do than in what I am (ie what I look like or what role I play). Having a positive self-esteem is in part about doing things that are worthy of esteem— doing esteemable acts. Here are the things that have worked for me.
- I try to have meaningful interactions with people. I try to offer good advice and listen well. I try to offer the parts of my experience that might be helpful. By being helpful to the people in my world, I find that I have a real sense of fulfillment.
- Find a way to contribute to the world— there are so many ways to volunteer and/or engage in one’s community that is outside of yourself and outside of your family or job. Find one.
3. Quit analyzing out loud for a period of time. Do it in your journal and keep your motions, actions in forward momentum.
4. Write a list of 15 things to do before the end of 2009. Have fun things, practical things, and daring things on it and maybe even a thing or two that you want to change, then start planning on how you are going to achieve them. Then start achieving them.
5. Do not give anyone—including yourself—permission to demean you. Call yourself on it and anyone else. Someone demeans you, disengage immediately.
6. In your journal, write down a list of strengths you see in yourself. Revisit it when necessary.
7. Do something nice for yourself every week. Can be something little (a bubble bath, painting your toe nails, buying yourself a lovely piece of costume jewelry,etc)—just do something that celebrates and pampers you.
What are the things that make your list for ways to pamper, care for, champion, and love yourself?
Good advice, Rosie!
I was so excited to see your essay on skirt! magazine! That was awesome!
Rosie,
I typed into the google search..how can I love myself again and this came up 🙂 Its all I need to brighten my day, I’m buying a pretty little book to make as my journal, kill two birds with one stone,
I’m sick of feeling sorry for myself, people don’t believe I hate myself so much because my life appears to be so amicable! But I wake up in the morning not feeling a point for my existence and go to bed crying… everything in between is a show!
I’m gonna fix it today
Thank you
Nursie, I’m so glad you found your way here. One of the critical moments in a journey to self-acceptance is the I have decided (to accept myself, to love myself, to be kind to myself). You’ve made the decision. Now, you just have to do the work- gently, with understanding, with openness. There’s plenty on the site here that I hope will help and in Beautiful You, the book. And there are lots of other great tools out there, too. You might also wish to find a counselor. Counseling is one of the best personal investments a person can choose to make in herself. I wish you all the best in your journey and hope to continue to connect with you here!
Thank you kindly for the reply.. I did all the things you said in your advice and I feel so much better. I will definately invest in that book beautiful you and the other one you mentioned, i had heard of it before, the artists way. Thanks for your advice and I will definately consider counselling… I feel like a different person today 🙂