parenting in the midst of advice
On Monday, I talked about my golden rule in human interactions based on the premise “assume right intention.” I shared it because of two questions I had recently been asked. The first was a question of how I deal with any defensiveness that wells up in me when someone I have a personal relationship with offers commentary about me, my life, and my choices. Assume right intention is my first step, but I also revert to some other strategies, too, and I shared those yesterday on the blog. The second question I was asked came from a fellow mother through adoption: Can you talk about how you’ve dealt with parenting advice from non-adoption folks? If you just read that question and are a parent through adoption, you are nodding in recognition. If you are not an adoptive parent, you are likely thinking, “how in the world is parenting advice from a non-adoptive person a special issue?” So, before I go into how I handle the advice, I should probably explain why the question might even need to be asked. Here we go:
First, let’s start with the obvious. Not one of us knows a darn thing about what we are doing when we become parents. It’s one of those things that no matter how many years you taught before becoming a parent, no matter how many kids you babysat, no matter how many nieces and nephews you have whose lives you’ve influenced, no matter how many times you said, “I will NEVER do that when I become a parent”, no matter how many books you’ve read, you still don’t know how you’ll do it until you are in it and, even then, you are a bit wary and ever aware that there are probably 8 more ways you could be doing what you are doing and, well, you just go with what you got, package it in your values and beliefs, and do the best you can.
But. And there is a but. Adoptive parenting is not exactly like parenting biological children. I wish I could write grand sweeping statements right now and nail it for every single situation, but I can’t because adoptive parenting brings in a whole host of issues of which you must be aware that vary by every single family. International adoption vs. domestic adoption, open adoption vs. closed adoption, newborn adoption vs. older child adoption are just a few of the nuances families must navigate. It goes much deeper and is much complex, but I presented those details to say that every adoptive family has unique situations that they must address with in parenting their child. Adoption, by its very merit, creates a special need that you always need to be cognizant of in your parenting approach and decision. I’ve talked about some of those nuances before here and here if you want to know more. For this post’s sake, I wanted to set up that there are some unique nuances but, here’s the truth, every single parenting situation- regardless of whether or not adoption is involved- is unique. We all have to parent with an eye on our child and our realities and there’s no one way to do things. And, so, the question really can be bigger than just how do you respond to parenting advice from a person not familiar with adoption. The question really is how do you respond to any unsolicited parenting advice from anybody.
In many ways, my advice is just like Tuesday and Wednesday’s advice but scaled to this situation.
So, first and foremost, assume right intention. As longtime readers of the blog know, Happy did not sleep when he came home. Now, I don’t mean he woke up a couple times of the night to be feed. I mean that he had such a severe attachment reaction, even at just five months old, to the change in his situation that he needed to be reassured that his caregivers were not going to change again so he never fell into a deep sleep and checked in with us– in a desperate, pleading, hyper-vigilant way- every 45 minutes for MONTHS AND MONTHS AND MONTHS (is it any surprise that Happy is the most hyper-aware and sensitive kid I’ve ever known?). It was, as you might imagine, the worst sleep case our pediatrician (who has a focus on adoption medicine) AND our sleep doctor had ever seen. We did not sleep for more than 40 minute chunks for almost eight months. We then moved to a couple hours of sleep at a time. This was true for the first 13 months that Happy was home. Though we were so reluctant to talk about how he was (not) sleeping when we were asked, eventually we had to answer the questions we were being asked or we just looked rude and, of course, everyone had advice for us. And you know what everyone said? “Let him cry it out.” Except let me tell you what you cannot do to a child who has had his caregivers change over two times in just five months of life? Allow him to cry it out and wait for hours to see if you are still there. That’s a shortcut to PTSD. But our friends who weren’t adoptive parents didn’t know this and they just wanted us to sleep so we weren’t so incoherent and foggy and depressed looking and, well, you get the picture. So over and over again, we were told to let him cry it out, but we bit our tongues because we chose to assume right intention. All those people? They just wanted us to be able to sleep. They weren’t judging us for going to our child. They were just offering what they knew from their own “parenting is a crap shoot” box of tricks. And so we just nodded, assumed right intention, and let it go.
But sometimes assuming right intention is just not the best way to handle the situation. Sometimes, you need to offer an education. If the person is frequently in your life, school them on the situation. We wrote our families and friends a letter and sent it before we ever left to pick up our boy because nobody in our life had adopted, and no one was gong to be prepared for how we were going to parent. And so we went on offense and informed them of what we were going to be doing and why. Some folks didn’t like the decisions we made (i.e.: NO ONE- but our pediatrician- saw Happy- or us, really- the first week he was home) but, at least, we had rooted it in what we knew about adoptive parenting and tried to explain. We couldn’t control whether or not people accepted what we did but we could control informing them so we did that and let the rest fall as it would. Some people were angry; some people were judgy; but we absolutely did what was right by our family.
Now, sometimes even after some education about your why, someone is still particularly insistent that his or her advice is really the best advice and he/she presses on with you. It is crazy making. I know. I’ve been there. Sometimes still have to go there. And here is what I can tell you. You have to realize it is not about you. That constant advice to “do it this way” has NOTHING to do with you.. Just like how when someone criticizes your physicality it is not about you, when someone over insists on how to parent, it is also not about you. It is about that person’s parenting story and the investment he or she has in having been or being right about it. If they can get you to do it the way they did it, it’s a vote of confidence in their parenting. And, you know what, parenting is the type of situation where you can find it pretty easy to feel highly incompetent. No wonder everyone gives out advice. Affirmation is wanted. So just remember, the advice? Totally not about you.
Ask the critical question. And, sometimes, when the person is just really insistent with his or her advice, you just have to offer a mirror in that situation. In that case, don’t be afraid to ask, “why do you say this?” and encourage him and her to really reflect on why this advice is so important.
Finally, do not engage crazy. Sometimes the person offering advice so believes in his or her own way so much that, if you open the door, you will be ferreted away on a whole journey you didn’t want to go on. In those cases, it might just be best to not over engage, thank him or her for the advice, smile profusely, and step away from the maelstrom that could take you for a ride.
A final word for all of us: there is no one way to parent. There is no one rule to follow. I parent differently sometimes in the same hour. My brother, sister, and I had completely different parents (except, we all had the same parents. Our parents were just different people during each of our formative years, if that makes sense). All of us need to remember that we are all just doing the best we can at any given moment and honor the right for all parents to make the best decisions for their kids at any given time. You may think you know what they need to do, and, if they ask, by all means share your thoughts. But just like no one knows my kid better than I do, you don’t know anyone else’s kid as well as you think you do. Bite your tongue. Shun your judgy thoughts, and just be nice and enjoy your company.
Now, it is your turn. How do you handle unsolicited advice of all kinds?
dealing with my own defensiveness
Yesterday, I talked about a fundamental principle that I try to employ as much as possible when I face questions about who I am and how I am in the world. I was inspired to share that “assume right intention” principle because a blog reader recently wrote with this question, ”Have you ever written about being defensive? I find myself reacting defensively in my personal relationships and have no clue why I go “there” so fast… “Snapping” back if you will :/ something I would like to and need to work through but don’t know where to start?!”
Defensiveness. I wish I could say that I’ve never gone there. But I have. And the interesting thing is, like the blog reader who asked the question, I don’t ever really go there in my extended life. I mostly get defensive in close relationships; not the ones that are less familiar. I guess that’s because I figure who cares what Joe Bob thinks when I don’t see Joe Bob all that much. But I do care what, let’s say, my mom thinks and so it’s more natural to get defensive there because there is a daily relationship banking on whether or not I feel how I am in the world is understood and respected. So, here it is, my approach to trying to work through my own defensiveness in a way that keeps my relationships sound and me sane.
1. Assume right intention.
First and foremost, I try to give the closest people in my life the same benefit of the doubt that I extend to strangers. I mean, they are naturally in my life (they are my parents, my siblings, etc.) or they have chosen to be in my life (my partner, my BFFs, etc) for a reason and so, clearly, for the most part, they are down with the things I do and the way in which I do them. So maybe, just maybe their observations are more observational than they sound and feel to me (Maybe when they say, “that’s an interesting way to do that” that is really all they are saying). Maybe they are just noticing how I am doing things or gently trying to tease to build rapport and not begin as awfully judgy, judgy as I think they are. And, so, I try as much as I can, to start by assuming right intention.
2. Take a moment before you react.
But, then, sometimes, it just sticks in your craw and you are certain that how you think you heard them is totally how they meant to sound and, well, it just peeves you. In those cases, I encourage you not to do what I did the other day when a close person in my life called and started the conversation with an awfully judge and bossy observation. What I did was got ticked, said “I’ll call you back,” and hung up. Or, maybe, actually, that is exactly what I want you to do but a little less reactively than I did. You see, if I had just taken a moment and breathed two or seven times, I probably could have said something more mature like, “What do you think we should do here?” or “Let me think about that and I’ll call you back.” But it is the relationship in my life that feels the most bossy and frustrating at times (and the easiest at others, oh the irony) and so I just knew I had to get off the phone or I was going to blow but I kinda blew while getting off the phone– it would have been much better to not blow until I’d hit the off button on the phone. Next time, my aim will be to take my moment of silence in less dramatic fashion (perhaps I can say, “let me change phones” or “Happy needs me, let me call you back” or anything that makes my sheer annoyance less obvious), and I am encouraging you to do that same. When I do take a moment of silence (and I am terribly comfortable with silent pauses as I find them to be a really effective teaching method), I always find that I get my center and graciousness back and don’t act like such a little firecracker. So, take a moment. It will serve you and the situation well. And do as I say with this one, not so much what I do.
3. Practice offense.
Practicing offense is the strategy I resort to the MOST often. I call people who might not be inclined to be okay with my decisions, and I let them know about them beforehand and share why it is that I need their support in this situation. Then they know how valuable they are in my life and how much I need them and don’t want to judge me, they want to help me. I also am the first person to make jokes about my quirks or to announce that my quirks are about to affect more than me. Most people just want to be informed and not caught off guard. They want to be honored, respected, appreciated, and validated. So, I’ll own up to my quirks that I am about to force on others. For example, every year (when my addled brain can remember) I have family members write little “I wish for you” notes to Happy on his birthday. It is dorky, I know, but I do it, and I start by reminding BF (who ABHORDS this type of thing) that “you know I am going to have to bring out all the paper and have everyone write a note for Happy because that is my sort of crazy” Then, it’s not a surprise and if he teases me about it, whatever, because I am capable of teasing me, too. So play offense, a lot. It diffuses what other people have to say and the snarky way in which they might say it.
4. If all else fails, create boundaries. I have talked before about how it is important to teach people how to treat you, but I can’t stress it enough. You have to create boundaries. Every boundary I have ever created served me well, even the ones that I perhaps didn’t do with as much grace.
Case in point, when I was in college, I was in charge of booking and bringing bands to campus Once, for our big winter concert, it started to sleet during load in. The band’s manager was noticeably stressed about their thousands of dollars of equipment being carried in dire conditions (what if one of our volunteers slipped and fell and broke an instrument or an amp?) and was verbally abusive to everyone, as if that might somehow motivate them to be even more careful with the equipment (and, trust me, everyone was being super careful).
As someone who cared deeply that her volunteers were respected, I was infuriated. But I was a good girl and I didn’t “do” mad. So I politely asked the manager, again and again, to show my volunteers some respect and assured him that they were all being extremely careful and professional in a bad situation. He wouldn’t let up. And, well, I finally just snapped. I think it was the first time in my life that I ever snapped. After one more catty remark said literally behind my back as I was walking to get more equipment, I spun around, marched up to him, got eye to eye, put my hands on my hips and hissed, “When we show you that we are f-ing incompetent, you can treat us like we are f-ing incompetent, until then, you will back off and treat every single one of us in green t-shirts (our event staff shirts) with respect. Are we clear?” His mouth literally gaped open. It was, perhaps, the most fully possessed of my power I had ever been at that point. It was also only the 2nd and 3rd time I had ever said the F word, just to make the point of how out of context this particular boundary setting moment was. And he apologized and changed his attitude. It was like a whole new man appeared once I told him clearly how he was going to treat us.
Now, in general, I don’t think you should wait to set your boundary at the point when you are ready to explode. I also don’t think you should F Bomb your way through your boundary setting. But I do know that every single time I have set a boundary (and enforced it which is perhaps harder than the setting of the boundary), it has worked. Every semester, I have my students write down the comments they sometimes hear from friends and family about their lives and/or bodies and then come up with responses. I have them practice those responses right then and encourage them to keep practicing them so that when the time comes and Aunt Sue makes her comment, “I just don’t know any woman your age who would be happy without a husband the way you say you are”, you are ready to say, “Aunt Sue, partners don’t make women happy. Women make themselves happy,” without skipping a beat. So, today, take a few minutes to write down the things that are said to you that drive you bonkers. What boundary can you set to let people know the conversation is a non-starter? And then practice that response so you are ready when the time comes.
Do you get defensive in your life? If so, who and what work you up? How do you handle your defensiveness? What advice do you have for others? In what ways have you set boundaries?
Image is from The Love Yourself Challenge.
Assume Right Intention
Over the last few days, I’ve been asked a couple questions that are completely different, but, as I reflected on them, I realized that I handled in mostly the same way.
The first question was this: ”Have you ever written about being defensive? I find myself reacting defensively in my personal relationships and have no clue why I go “there” so fast… “Snapping” back if you will :/ something I would like to and need to work through but don’t know where to start?!”
The second question was: Can you talk about how you’ve dealt with parenting advice from non-adoption folks?
When I was thinking about these answers, I realized that my first reaction with both situations is one based on a principle I use for being Latino at a time and in a place where there weren’t/aren’t many Latinos. Now, of course, there are caveats where I throw this principle out the door. But I thought I’d introduce the principle today. Then in posts tomorrow and Thursday, I’ll cover how I use the principle in my everyday life where I feel I am being faced with judgment (and the caveats I exercise there) and how I use the principle in my parenting life (with caveats there as well). For now, let’s start with a pretty common story in my life:
Recently, at a deli I periodically visit, I was ordering my soup and salad when the man checking me out asked, “Are you mixed with something?”
Coming of age as a Latina in the South in the 1980s and 1990s, this is a question with which I am pretty familiar.
“Excuse me,” I asked, to be sure I heard right.
“Are you mixed,” he asked again, making change of my ten.
“I am Puerto Rican,” I answered. And his eyes got big, clearly conveying he thought my Puerto Ricanness was cool. I took my lemonade, found a booth, and started grading the stack of papers I had carried inside with me, not thinking twice about his question.
“Doesn’t that piss you off,” Friends have asked over the years as they see me field questions about my ethnicity, citizenship, and background.
And, to be honest, it very rarely has. The approach I have taken in answering the myriad of inquiries is to assume the questioner has the right intention, even if they are using language I wouldn’t use. Most people really just want to better understand things; they want a clearer picture of their world or even the world.
Yes, sometimes the questions are intrusive. Sometimes they are awkward, but the best thing I can do every single time is help that person understand the point of view I come to the world with in hopes that it helps him understand someone else’s world better. So when I get the vibe that they just really want to know, they just really want to understand, they are just figuring things out and the question is coming from curiosity and not judgment, I answer it, as best I can, in the hopes of adding insight. Usually, my answering piles on the questions, “what do I call people Latino or Hispanic?” “why don’t you look Mexican?” “Do you need a green card?” ”What is this Dream Act and how is it fair?” And, again, I answer them to the best of my ability. As long as the vibe I am getting is right intention, I am in.
But, sometimes, I get a vibe that the question isn’t coming from right intention. What do I do when I just know that the person I am talking to is trying to find a way to confront me about a larger issue, their own agenda, whatever? In that situation, I have found the perfect response for me– which requires me to not be belittling or condescending but also requires me to create a boundary and give a mild lesson in teaching people how to treat me– is asking the person to reflect on his or her own question, where he/ she is going with it, and why. So, faced with a loaded question, I don’t answer with my answer. I answer with a question for the asker.
“Why do you ask?”
If there is right intention behind the question that I’ve been asked, it becomes clear that the person was just looking for language and maybe misfired with his or her words, does have an earnest interest in knowing my answer. But, if there is wrong intention, my “why” question always makes that clear for both parties- me and the questioner- and wraps things up before having to go anywhere in that conversation.
What kind of questions are you mostly commonly faced with in your daily life? How do you handle them?
*Image Source: Finding Happy
Nice to meet you!
So, I am stealing an idea from Tami of Teacher Goes Back to School who stole an idea from Katy at the Non-Consumer Advocate. And that is that we’re going to have a little mixer here. Did you go to a mixer in college or at some other time? Basically, a mixer is a party that allows you to meet lots of new people in one fell swoop. And, well, I have lots of friends who come by this page and, yet, so few conversations. And I want to have some conversations. But I know it can be oh so hard to comment out of the blue on someone’s blog (trust me, I know, my little known fact- this will make sense to you when you read the mixer questions below- is that I am an introvert) and so we’re going to take away that out of the blue feeling by getting to know each other today!
I am Rosie. I live in a small town (seriously, it’s made up of 5 square miles) outside Charlotte, North Carolina with my 3 1/2 year old son and my husband. In most of my every day life, I call my husband BF and my son Happy so that’s what I call them here, too. I spend the fall and winter obsessing over NFL fantasy football and my cardigan collection and the spring and summer obsessing over my garden and pleasure reading. I am a fair-weather runner, a crack of dawn weight-lifter, and dig yoga, Pilates, surfing, and stand up paddling. I came to any semblance of athleticism in adulthood. I paint for pleasure, write for purpose, and parent with equal parts whimsy and panic, but I battle having enough time to do anything that I love outside of just getting the family fed and making sure our boy feels loved. I am fairly certain every person alive can identify with that struggle.
I’ve got an eclectic professional set-up: I teach Body Image classes at the University of North Carolina at Charlotte, I do workshops and retreats for women and girls, I do some speaking around the country, I help run a non-profit that empowers young Latinas called Circle de Luz, and I write books and inspirational columns and blogs. And while how I do what I do is eclectic, it all comes down to this: my mission is to empower women to embrace their authentic selves so they can live their passion and purpose and give their gifts to the world.
I’m always looking for post ideas, so please don’t be shy about what you like and what you don’t. A friend recently suggested that I do Q&A blog posts which sounded really fun so if you have a question about what I do, how I do it, or anything else, just ask. If I can answer it with any modicum of intelligence, I’ll try.
I am inspired by conversations– real ones and e-ones so I hope you’ll share your thoughts here and get me thinking even more (please don’t make me the crazy lady who only talks to herself in real life AND on the internet).
Now your turn!
- Where do you live?
- What’s a little known fact about you?
- What brought you to this little corner of the internet?
- Do you have a blog? If so, please tell me a little bit about it and include a link!
- What posts do you like, and which ones bore you to tears?
- Do you have a question that you’d love for me to try to answer?
- Do you know me, if so how?
- And anything else you wish to share.
as luck would have it
Tomorrow, May 12th, is Birthmother’s Day. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think of Happy’s birthmother. This week, I wrote a post at Voxxi about how we celebrate Birthmother’s Day, and I want to encourage you to check it out. I also want to encourage you to check out this post from Tami of Teacher Goes Back to School. She is a new mother through adoption and she shares some really powerful things that adoptive families would love others to know. If you are an adoptive family or know an adoptive family, you will most definitely want to read that post. Finally, in honor of tomorrow, I am sharing this post from October 14, 2009. If you are a mother or birthmother, may this weekend be filled with peace.
~
“He’s such a lucky boy.”
Baby and I have been stopped by a well meaning town resident who I vaguely know. He’s not the first to say this to us.
“We think we’re the lucky ones,” I say. This is not the first time I’ve answered this way.
For now, I can hate that phrase– He’s such a lucky boy- but it doesn’t yet do any damage to baby’s psyche. One day, though, it will.
The truth is that I don’t see baby’s life as lucky. Being born in a country that is so disproportionately poor and resource-starved to parents who were so poor and resource-starved themselves that they could not raise him (we know a little more about baby’s story than I am implying in the previous sentence but out of respect for baby being the keeper of his story, we are holding that private until we are able to share it with him, and he is able to decide if he’d like to share it and with whom) actually feels to me like anything but luck.
Baby’s life, to me, though, shows me what faith is– faith in something greater than ourselves and faith in other people. Think of a mother who has given birth to this beautiful boy who she, of course, loves with all her heart. Think of the challenge you must be facing in your life to make the decision she makes. Think of the wisdom she has to know that love, sometimes, means not physically holding on– a wisdom I, the girl who holds on too long, could never have. Think of the faith she has to know that the right family will be waiting for him. No, sir, how our baby’s life has evolved is not borne of luck. It came alive when a woman that I admire to my core made a decision based on faith, based on a knowing deep within her, based on a stark assessment of her life and the injustice of this world, based on what might look like hopelessness to some but what I believe is really hopefulness. I don’t know how to dramatically reconcile the poverty of this world; it is what I most wish I were able to do. It wasn’t luck that brought us together. I know that for sure. And though I can’t yet articulate all of it in the way that I wish: I know that baby coming into our lives, our coming into baby’s life is part of something bigger than all three of us.
The other day, I was typing at my computer while BF was with baby, and I turned towards the chirping that was going on behind me. On the floor about ten feet away was our baby boy, concentrating hard on a soft car that he was given by one of my dearest friends for his birthday. The moment, it’s smallness and hugeness all in one, stole my breath, and there I was suddenly weeping. He does this to me, this boy. He breaks my heart, opens it up, and warms it all at the same time. Even as I type these words, remembering the scene, the unremarkableness of the moment wrapped in the remarkableness of our union, I am weeping again. There are times when the only prayer that I can say, the only words that I can muster are ”please, let me do enough.” Not my best, because I am terrified that I will somehow justify less than enough. And this baby boy, his biological parents, they have put so much faith in us, they have given us their trust, they have blessed our lives with this beautiful, beautiful boy. When I was weeping the other day, BF came to me and asked me if I was okay. The feeling inside of me was so big, I couldn’t give it words, I can’t really right now. I just shook my head at him, nodded towards the baby, and, thus, choked him up, too.
Remember that feeling you had the very first time you fell in love? It was so enormous that it almost didn’t fit inside of you. It felt like you would burst at any moment, and that if this love, somehow, didn’t make it, you would die because there would be nothing else worth doing as much as loving this person. I remember thinking sometime in my twenties that love like that, that ferocity, that intensity, that joy laced with fear, doesn’t come back after first love. That the physical, visceral sensation of that only happens once. Weeping out of the blue as my child gummed on his car that day, I realized it comes back. As luck would have it, it comes back with a ferocity that swallows you.
38 things update
My all-time favorite day in Beautiful You is Day 32: Celebrate Your Birth Day. Celebrating my birthday by writing this particular type of list (If you don’t know about the list, go read about it now. I’ll wait for you!) is one of the longest standing personal traditions that I have. What I love about the list, and why I included it in Beautiful You, is that it reminds me that life is both a process and a series of choices. I get to choose my journey and the journey is really the goal. How cool is that?
This past November, I celebrated 38 years of living and drafted my 38 things to do list with a flurry. And, then, of course, life happened and I lost my myelin (how I comically refer to my B12 deficiency) and, well, I haven’t been the most productive bee around these parts. Anyway, my half-birthday is approaching as well as Summer of Intentionality and so it was feeling like a very good time to reassess my birthday list and see where things are and where they might be going. So, here we go (mission accomplished items are vibrantly blue and bolded) :
1. Create a personal vision board.
2012 personal vision board
2. Create a professional vision board.
2012 professional vision board
3. Take my birthday off. *I actually spent my birthday with girlfriends making my vision board. Very fun.
4. Create more time margin (by going pure and saying no more!) A work in progress. Definitely getting better but there is always room for improvement here.
5. Take Happy and Lola on a hike. I imagine this will fall on the summer schedule (but perhaps without Lola who might find that way too hot an endeavor).
6. Pick berries. I am afraid we’ve missed strawberries so aiming for blueberries with Summer of Intentionality approaching.
7. Redo the backyard. Um, not yet. We got confused and totally redid the house instead. Here’s a picture of my favorite wall in the house so far. 
8. Pick apples. This fall!
9. Cut Christmas tree.
Ribbit and Happy with our tree.
10. Reestablish my personal style. Mind you, this is always a work in progress, but I do feel more authentically myself when I get dressed. And I own lime green shoes now. How cool is that?
11. Read 38 books. I’m at 10. Truth be told, this one has been hard with the B12 deficiency. My concentration is definitely not what it one was. But summer is always a great reading time so we’ll see what happens.
12. Take a personal retreat.
13. Run 6 miles or for 60 minutes. This is in progress. I started running again with the return of good weather and am really enjoying it.
14. Make cinnamon rolls. Got a recipe.
15. Make crepes. Got a willing teacher.
16. Make quinoa. Got quinoa.
17. Have a great backyard garden. Planting it this Saturday in honor of Happy’s Birthmother.
18. Read something by Gabriel Garcia Marquez.
19. Take short trip with BF.
20. Have a monthly date with BF. We’ve been really good about this. Having great childcare really helps.
21. Build robust professional life. Very much in progress– I LOVE leading workshops and retreats and so adding that to the docket this year has been incredible.
22. Research and decide on adoption.
23. Figure out college savings plan.
24. Increase retirement savings.
25. Have a girls’ trip.
26. Redecorate master bedroom. Half-way there! Should be completely done no later than the end of June.
27. Have a picnic.
28. Redo Happy’s bedroom and closet. A quarter of the way there but should be completely done no later than the end of June.
29. Do a creative marathon: complete 26 works of art.
30. Finish cleaning out attic.
31. Start writing a new book. The proposal is written and my agent will soon start shopping it.
32. Develop horse skills. Also in progress.
33. Go to at least 6 presentations/ readings/ performances. 4 down. 2 to go.
34. Write in Happy’s journal regularly. This month’s goal is to get this jumpstarted again.
35. Fly a kite. The beach this summer?
36. Take Happy to see McAdenville lights.
37. Try hot yoga.
38. Get a hot stone massage.
So, there is clearly fun to be had. My hope is that when I revisit this list come August-ish, I’ll have 10 more things scratched off the list.
Do you do a birthday list? If so, what is on yours?
Want to see past lists?
The Kids are Alright Spring 2012 Part 2
Well, there was just too much goodness in those final papers to leave it at just one The Kids are Alright post this semester. We needed another one. So here is part 2 of The Kids are Alright, Spring 2012. Be inspired.
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The first concept that really gripped me and spoke to me about media influence was the objectification theory: the notion that mass media and society can transform someone’s perspective of their body as a part of themselves to an actual object- an object that needs to be fixed, to be decorated, to be perfected.
This entire idea resonated so deeply within me that I couldn’t stop thinking about all the ways we, as a society, are told that our bodies are not good enough and that we need to keep doing “work” on our bodies. Work, such as dieting to become skinnier, tanning to make our skin darker, using lightening lotions to make our skin lighter, having surgery to suck away this and tuck away that, getting injections to puff up and fill out our lips, eyes, and foreheads; work: to fight aging, to fight shape, to fight color, to fight uniqueness.
“Keep whittling on your body and/or face until it looks like the models and the faces in Cosmo,” that’s what they tell us. The body is an object to be crafted and constructed; it is not to develop on its own according to the biology and genetic makeup it is composed of. That’s what the media wants us to believe. Why? So we will buy their products and buy their altering services. ~ Candice
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Beauty is relative and typically attributed to the unattainable… Coming to the realization that not everyone can be included in this framework [of standard beauty ideals] emphasizes the importance of individuals being their own advocates and not allowing others to dictate what they should look like. I find it comforting to know that if I put my mind to it I can decide at any moment that I am already beautiful in my own right and that leaves me free to do the things that I am meant to do in this world. ~ Ucha
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What I’ve learned is how much we as humans compare. We compare everything. We compare our possessions to other’s possessions, our achievements to other’s achievements, and even our body to other’s bodies, as if there is some universal standard that we are all striving to achieve. But the real message is that there is no universal standard. We were each created so unique that no one could ever look or be completely like someone else. Therefore, we waste so much time comparing and contrasting our lives and looks to those we see in the media because we can never attain the qualities of someone else. That’s what makes them who they are and ours is what makes us who we are. ~ Kaitlyn
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I am not defined by what others think of me. I am defined by the thoughts, feelings and attitudes set by me and nobody is good enough to try to convince me otherwise. After all, who am I to judge someone else? I have become more accepting of my insecurities and less judgmental of other people. ~Cheryl
The Kids are Alright Spring 2012
At the end of each semester, my body image students write a process paper where they synthesize their learning- both personal and academic- for the semester. These papers are always a delight to read and there is so much wisdom in them that I just have to share a fraction of it (with my students’ permission, of course) with you. Here, some wise words from my students this semester. May they buoy and give you hope the way they did me.
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In today’s society, everyone seems to think that thinness equates to health, but that is not the case. Healthy has very little to do with weight so we need to stop fixating on it. We need to shift our focus to health and away from size, shape, and weight. As we discussed in class, no matter what the ideal standard of beauty is, it is going to be impossible for everyone to reach it and we shouldn’t try because the world would be a boring place if we all looked the same. Instead of caring about how much we weight, we should care about how our body feels at the end of a fun run. We should care about the difference in our energy level after eating a homemade meal over a bacon burger from the drive through. We should do the things that make us feel stronger, healthier, and more beautiful. It shouldn’t matter what society thinks about us because society doesn’t really know us. ~Kristin
My body image is in my own hands. If I want to believe and accept the images that the media presents me with I can, but I will never be satisfied. Rather, it is better to believe I am the wary I am for a reason and to love myself. I know that we all have those days when we feel bad about ourselves, but, on those days especially, it is important to steer clear of images that will only reinforce those negative thoughts. It is much more important to focus on the things that we do love about ourselves. ~Kristin
[I now] believe that being unique is good, for once. If everybody looked the same in the world then there would be no need for beauty or acceptance of self or others. Instead, we all get the great pleasure of looking different and sharing our heritage, culture, and personality with others around us. ~ Lauren
I have come to understand that everyone is struggling to accept themselves, and that alone is worthy of respect and kindness… I have come to understand that people are unique and wonderful and the way we look has nothing to do with that. People are beautiful because of the qualities they carry, not because of the color of their hair or the size of their waist. Thanks to this class my life is more positive and accepting. I want to be an optimistic force in the world, so that people can be happy with themselves and the way that they look. I don’t ever plan on making negative comments because they do no good for anyone involved. There is enough negativity to push back against, why create a little more? ~ Holli
That old saying “sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me?” Not buying it! Words hurt! They hurt when a person uses them against themselves and against other people. Criticizing, no matter if it’s criticizing yourself or someone else, is detrimental to your well-being. Once I stopped commenting on the appearance of others, I stopped commenting so much on my own appearance. In essence, those comments were subconsciously giving me an opportunity to compare that person to myself, and the moment I made an effort to not give a care about the way someone else looks, I lost those opportunities for comparison. ~ Issa
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Interested in reading past The Kids are Alright quotes? Check out these posts from previous semesters!
A self-care inspired Mother’s Day Gift Guide
my Find Your Beautiful print
One of my high school students once told me that his dad’s advice for gift giving to women was “never something with a plug.” Depending on what the plug belongs to (a vacuum cleaner vs. an e-reader), that probably isn’t bad advice. But, sometimes we need more advice than nothing with a plug. So, here is where this gift guide comes in. Are you looking for the perfect Mother’s Day (or birthday or It’s Summer!) gift for all the women in your life who you’d love to see embrace body, soul, and self love? This lovely gift guide has plenty of options for gifts that promote self-love while exemplifying how much you love the recipient. So shop on and maybe even put a thing or two in the basket for you!
Gifts for $25 and under
An Appreciation Jar ideal for anyone on a limited budget, this inexpensive gift is powerful. Find a Mason-type jar. Write characteristics you love about the person on bright paper and then fold them into small offerings. Fill the Mason jar with those offerings and seal it with a bright, decorative ribbon. Less than $10
Beautiful You As the author of Beautiful You: A Daily Guide to Radical Self-Acceptance, I am biased, but readers have enthusiastically purchased this book as a guide for their self-acceptance journeys and for the women, anywhere from 20 to 60, in their lives. One reviewer wrote, “Molinary has done a fabulous job of offering practical and doable advice to help women see — and appreciate — themselves in a whole new way, and to realize that a healthy body image is about so much more than what we think we see in the mirror.” Under $17
Bath Scrub There’s nothing quite as invigorating as a bath scrub used in a hot shower or bath. You can make your own Ginger sugar scrub by following this recipe from Amber Karnes at My Aim is True or pick up a jar of Trader Joe’s Lavender scrub. Under $20
Kiva Loan Celebrate a special friend or loved one by giving her the opportunity to support another woman in her life. Kiva loans are micro-loans, given in $25 increments, to support entrepreneurs around the world. You can purchase a gift certificate for your loved one to select where she’d like her loan to go. The best part? Entrepreneurs repay their loans and you can continue to give that same investment out over and over again if you would like $25
Gifts for $50 and under
Be Bold Sign Send a powerful message to a loved one by encouraging her to be everything she is- from bold to loving with this white block lettered on black backdrop sign. Under $40
Yoga Another wonderful way to promote wellbeing and reduce stress in your loved one’s life is with a gift certificate for an individual yoga session or a group of classes at her local studio. Prices vary
Gifts for $100 and under
Massage Treat your loved one to the joy and release of a massage. A massage gift certificate will reduce stress, increase wellbeing, while making the recipient feel incredibly nurtured. Prices vary
Find Your Beautiful Print Pick up a Find Your Beautiful Print by Cindy Wunsch, a Nashville-based artist. These powerful, whimsical prints simply state, “Find Your Beautiful”, reminding admirers that they can see beauty the way they chose to and not the way the world hands it to them. Prices vary
Gifts for $150 and under
Fearlessness Necklace Sometimes a signature piece of jewelry can really empower us. For years, I relished the sterling silver Fearlessness necklace I purchased to support the Joyful Heart Foundation whose mission is to heal, educate and empower survivors of sexual assault, domestic violence and child abuse and to shed light into the darkness that surrounds these issues. I bought this necklace two different times and ultimately “paid” it forward when a couple people in my life needed its message to help them in their journey forward. This necklace is a powerful yet simple reminder that we have what we need and are enough just as we are. $135
A Karina Dress. With a tagline for “dresses for ‘every-body’”, Karina creates dresses that look great on women of all shapes, sizes, ages, and body styles (their models are proof!)- allowing you to be both stylish and self-accepting and keeping you from having to compromise on either. Karina Dresses are made of limited edition fabrics, making each dress a virtual one of a kind garment, and they are machine washable and don’t need ironing. The dresses are made in Brooklyn by seamstresses who receive a living wage. What more can you ask for? Well, a discount code– which the good folks at Karina Dresses have graciously provided for my blog readers. The code (MOLR30) will provide $30 off any full-priced dress.
