Begin Again


I have tried to write a new blog post for weeks.

I’ve written thousands of words.

All of them lead nowhere or everywhere or somewhere in between.

I want to make meaning of the things that are happening.

The loss of my mamacita.

The cruelty that snuffs out life at churches and schools and our paralysis over finding a collective way forward.

The waters that swallowed my sweet hometown of Columbia, SC and what it has done to people’s lives.

The individual devastations that people I love are suffering.

The collective brokenness we are all trying to reconcile.

So I write, trying to discover what I know deep down inside.  And, as it turns out, I know nothing.  Or perhaps more precisely, I am still healing and grieving and need more time and room and space before I can know fully what my understanding of these things are.

I am in a period of noticing, distilling, lingering, considering, fine-tuning.

Occasionally, a word comes to me while I am in that place of pondering and I know it has something for me though I don’t yet know what.  And so I write it on a turquoise sticky note and place it on my wall.  So far, I’ve accumulated:  abundance, astonishing, exuberance, spaciousness, bold, brave, bliss, simple, awe, mojo, alive.

I don’t know what’s coming, but I also know that I cannot force it to come.  It needs room.  I need room to do the deep, dark soul work that allows for clarity.

And so I am letting myself off the hook.  I do not have to find profundity right now.  I just have to make way.   In this space, way may look like lists of questions I am asking or books I am reading or songs I am singing.  It might look like found treasures or the telling of little tiny moments (like this one I just shared with Happy) or the naming of possibilities.  The daily-ness.  It is not the sexy part of creativity or personal development or life.  But it is the marrow.  And so I am settling here for as long as it will have me, sitting at its feet with one simple message:  I am listening.

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4 responses to “Begin Again”

  1. Barbara

    Exquisitely verbalised. I am there with you. How beautiful the place to be able to relish in. Thank you for finding the words until you unfold again.

  2. Heather

    If you haven’t enjoyed the work of Mark Nepo, particularly Seven Thousand Ways to Listen, I recommend it at this juncture.

  3. Marina Delgado

    Thank you for being an example of honoring the ebbs and flows of life. We are here. Holding space and listening alongside you.

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