“You leaving by yourself?” He called to me as I descended the steps past him and landed on the snow crusted grey street below.
“Yeah, why?” I asked, looking back up as a couple other guys joined him.
I was 20 years old and working with gang-affiliated young men in Roxbury, Massachusetts. My day had just ended and I was heading towards my rental car, then my borrowed apartment.
“Is that safe?’ He asked, looking around, his eyes scanning the graffiti-lined walls of his neighborhood.
And just as I was about to answer that I didn’t feel like I was in danger, another young man on the stoop filled the air with his observation.
“Man, have you seen how that girl walks? A’int nobody going to take her for a fool.”
A little smile spread on my lips, even though I wasn’t sure what it was about the way that I walked that “protected” me. Later that night, I considered it as I journaled and what I realized is that I walked with an awareness and what projected that awareness was the eye contact I made with whomever I passed. I never looked at my feet when I walked. I looked people in the eye. I said hello or good morning or commented on the weather. I engaged every person I passed and most would engage back. In being willing to look people in the eye and greet them, something that I did because I thought that every person deserved to be seen and acknowledged, I came across as confident.
That comment that day taught me one of many valuable lessons I learned working with gang-affiliated young men. Being engaged and aware opens up a world of possibilities but projecting that confidence doesn’t have to start with knowing everything about a situation or being the best at something. It can simply start by making eye contact and relaying that someone is worth seeing and that we are worth being seen ourselves.
This is actually why one of my very favorite rituals comes at the end of a yoga class when the class bows together and says Namaste and then everyone looks around the room at their practice partners for that time, looks each one in the eye, bows to them and repeats Namaste over and over again. It is a celebration of really seeing a person and, every time, it moves me.
One of the best ways to project confidence is through your eyes. When you refuse to make eye contact with someone else, you might be sending one of two messages: that you wish to be invisible or that you don’t think the other person is worthy of being seen. Making eye contact is a great place to “fake it until you make it” in terms of confidence. Begin maintaining eye contact in all of your interactions and, soon, you’ll see that people will interpret you as being confident (which makes you more confident!).
Today: Make eye contact today with everyone that you pass and with whom you interact. Make eye contact as you walk down the street or hall at work. Make eye contact with the grocery store clerk, the sales girl, the people you pass on your walking or running route. A great test for yourself while building this skill? Walk away from each more close-up interaction and see if you can name the person’s eye color.
1. Who did you make eye contact with today? How did it feel? Do you remember anyone’s eye color? How did people react?
2. What did you learn from this challenge?
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aaaaaaand I posted that in the wrong place! Can’t seem to delete it now. Oops. Sorry!
I try to make contact with everyone I meet, but as a result of not liking myself, it is easy for me to skip this. Today I made eye contact with the people I met at the laundromat, but I do not remember eye colors. It is an effort for me to hold the eye contact, so I have to focus on that.
The main thing I learn from making eye contact is that most people smile back…they don’t bite!
Oh this one is easy for me! I’m obsessed with looking in people’s eyes…and having them look back….in fact, I am constantly telling my kids to “look in my eyes”…. And I like to say hi while I’m looking…so maybe today, I should try to be less psycho about looking at people. Hahahahaha
I, too always told my kids they should look me in the eyes…and even though all of them are now grown, they still look me in the eyes when they talk to me! I was always taught that if you won’t look people in the eye you are shifty (not that this is true); but after having six kids that I taught this to, I know that if one of them won’t look me in the eye, then they have done something they don’t want to tell me!
Ok this will be hard for me. I have to push myself to make eye contact with people. I am ok with my family but when i am out i just keep to myself. I promise today i will do this..
This morning I made eye contact with a gentleman cleaning the step of his shop. He was happily whistling and rather than looking away or retreating into my own world, I smiled at him and wished him a good morning. In return, he wished me the same and a safe journey. I felt wonderful! I had made a small connection with somebody. I wasn’t just in my own solitary world, I was part of somebody else’s. Yesterday I chatted to a lady on the bus who sat next to me. We discussed everything and anything and I allowed myself to open up to her, to share a little more of myself than I normally would have. Again, I felt wonderful! I had stepped out of my comfort zone by offering more of myself than normal (but not too much to a stranger!) and enjoyed being part of her day and welcoming her as part of my day. I don’t know her name, but I remember the smile lines on her face and how she was bashful at talking so much. She had blue eyes that had seen a lot.
Oh, I just love these stories, LadyEm. Yes, yes- that is just it, isn’t it? Thank you for sharing!
Well said. I agree. I’ve been a part of an exercise in which you stand toe to toe, eye to eye with another person for a couple of minutes. The process of allowing yourself to be seen and fully seeing someone else is powerful. Never underestimate the power in making eye contact. Love this post. Happy Day 2!
Someone just posted a link to your site and I followed it to this wonderful blog! I’m a day behind, but I plan on catching up. Today, our pest control guy showed up at our door for our regular service. I made eye contact and when I asked how he was doing, I listened. It was clear to me that he had been having a rough week or two from what he had said and as he was working outside, I said a silent prayer and sent him some positive energy. Everyone deserves this afterall. Thank you for this inspiration!
I made eye contact with the wonderful souls on my walk to work today. I have just moved to a rougher area of the city, and I too quickly adopted the convention of deliberately avoiding eye contact. But your post is a needed reminder that avoiding eye contact is not only probably LESS safe, but more importantly, it is missing an opportunity for connection and shared stories, even through a moment and a smile.
Wow what an eye opening experience, I REALLY worked on this today noticed beautiful brown eyes of a friend, blue eyes of a stranger, but most important I noticed people, ones who would shyly look away when looked at, ones that would smile because you really looked at them and most important I noticed how much more of a response my children gave when I looked in their eyes
Thanks for this one, what an amazing day 🙂
I spent most of the day inside, but the man at the coffee shop had lovely blue eyes. My friend, who I met for dinner, has green eyes, and I didn’t really know that – how nice to look someone in the face and really see them. Oh, the waiter’s eyes were brown. I will continue to do this tomorrow, I will be out for the day, and I’ll see more people. And try and greet a lot of them!
I’m at BlogHer in NYC with thousands of other women, so today was a great day to practice this when meeting new people. I know my eye contact could be better in general, but this was a great reminder & intention to be more connected to those I met. It encouraged me in general to speak to more people than I would have otherwise.
I made eye contact today, but one of the people looked away which actually made me feel a little weird. 2 brown eyes one hazel.
I learned it’s okay to look people in the eyes, and probably respectful to do so when you are talking to them.
Perfect timing for this challenge. I have been trying to become more aware of looking people in the eye and really engaging them. The conversations with strangers and my loved-ones alike are so much more fulfiling. Inwill do my best to continue to do this.
I tried to look more people in the eye today, especially all the people I saw tonight at our open house. I did a much better job and really noticed a bunch of blue and brown eyes, but not many green like mine. One technician at school had really blue eyes. People seem to pay more attention when you look them in the eye.
I looked a lot of people in the eye today! A lot of people I work with have blue eyes. also tried to make contact with people I didn’t know, and only one guy looked away. I thought he seemed kind of timid, and it made me think about your post and how looking people in the eyes conveys confidence.
I’m reading this later in the day, so I don’t have eye colors to report, but this is a favorite exercise of mine. I’ve noticed my kids greeting people when we walk, or smiling and saying hi in the store, so hopefully it’s rubbing off! Thanks for the reminder.
Ann
Okay… I thought I was good at this but – not so much! I make a point to interact and read someones name tag so I can say thank you to them by name when were done and thought I was “looking at them”. But when I made it a very conscious effort I realized that I don’t “really” meet someone eye to eye. Another observation… I can meet my family and friends eye to eye and the effort to do that is easy but not strangers. I hadn’t realize the difference… thanks for the opportunity to find a deeper connection.
It changed my entire experience at work today. I confidently looked everyone in the eyes, and came to an enlightening conclusion! People have been trying to look into my eyes the entire time I’ve been working retail, and today felt like I finally got to really connect. Gone is the feeling of shame and guilt that comes with being a servant of sorts!
I am an eye-contact person, but today I was very aware of it because I only had conversations (in person) with two people.
Nancy has very light brown eyes – and held my eye contact the entire time I had hers.
Maria has very dark brown eyes – and it seemed to unnerve her that I would try to hold her eye contact.
It was pretty interesting to think about why each woman reacted to me differently. I may have to think on this a bit more now. 🙂 Or see how the rest of the school year goes with Maria and eye contact!
Even if I use to make eye contact with every person I talk with, today was a special day. Eye contact with the guy at the entry of the supermaket. And then… beautiful smile and “bonjour” for a special welcome (light brown eyes :). Eye contact with the cashier (same supermarket) and nice conversation while I was putting everything in the bags (dark brown eyes). Special moment with my friend Cathy (light blue eyes). Always eye contact with my son (dark brown eyes). And sometimes… eye contact with my cat (sure!!)… harder, but you have to wait for the good moment (green eyes full of confidence).
I made eye contact with colleagues in the hallways at work. I realized that I always say hello and inquire as to how people are doing, but I often do this without actually looking at the person. I feel as though I got several reactions today that were more chipper and engaged (brighter smiles… less cursory replies…) than usual. I like the idea that by making eye contact, I’m not only exuding more confidence myself, but I’m also letting the other person know that I value them.
I always look people in the eye and smile. When I was young, I was very shy and often would not speak to those I didn’t recognize. My mother would make me speak and tell me it was rude not to acknowledge people. So it has been ingrained in me now. I notice that when I smile, it gives others the freedom to also smile and speak. I have also meet some interesting people this way. I honestly don’t notice people’s eye color so I think I should be more purposeful with my contact.
I spent the day with the same people I see every work day. Eye colour runs the gamut: blue, brown, hazel, grey, gold flecked.
I made sure to look in the eyes of the coffeeshop girl. Her eyes were hazel. She held eye contact and was super smiley. It felt normal.
I look people in the eyes the majority of the time. If I am in the middle of something I need to be able to get to a spot where I can turn away without losing anything before I can make the eye contact.
i find this facinating. when i went thru yoga teacher training one of the things we had to do was “being with”. and we stood in front of each other and looked directly into each others eyes for about 5 minutes. No touching. what a challenge! and not a comfortable thing to do at first. but it did become easier and now i can talk with someone and not “look around” but stay connected with that person during the whole conversation short or long! since then i have been making a lot of eye contact with total strangers and it is amazing how you can make someone smile just by looking at them directly and smiling! very powerful!
I can’t believe how i walk around looking at my feet ! How have i not run into any walls!!!!! I tried hard today to look people in the eye it was super uncomfortable for me but i tried i think this one will get easier so i am going to keep this is my mind when i am out and about!
I love to have eye contact with people on the street! Either I bring someone else to smile, or someone has such a great smile that my smile just gets bigger and my soul is singing! I love how energy seem to circulate between people enabling it!
Today I had eye contact with 3 women waiting in the same space. All of them smiled back to me, and one began some small-talk – she has wonderful, joy-spending grey eyes.
I was traveling to a conference yesterday and didn’t get a chance to post, but it was amazing how the simple act of eye contact made a difference. All through the airport I tried to make eye contact with the employees and more often than not, they were surprised that I took the extra moment to look them in the eye and say thank-you.
When I got to the conference I felt awkward and out of place since I didn’t know very many people but as I started to make eye contact, I felt my confidence grow stronger and my comfort level increased as well.
Part of our keynote address last night was about youth and children and the importance of looking them in the eye, like they’re really there. This kind of eye contact is risky and makes both people vulnerable but it also opens up space to begin meaningful conversations that people are hungry to engage in. Amazing how it all connected yesterday!
I did this today with the cashier at Walmart. It felt very awkward, BUT it felt like we made something of a connection, like making eye contact humanized both of us for each other – it felt like our parting “have a good day!” was sincere. Totally worth the discomfort. 🙂
Oh, I loved these stories, everyone. Bravo for such a great day 2. Keep up the eye contact as much as you can moving forward- it really allows you to move past yourself, see other people, and engage in a whole new way. A few of you mentioned the anxiety or self-consciousness this illicited in you, which isn’t at all unusual, and I wanted to offer you this earlier blog post to help you with putting that self-consciousness in perspective: https://rosiemolinary.com/2012/01/11/you-are-the-one-who-cares-the-most-2/. So glad you each decided to be a part of the shine journey! I am so inspired by each of you!
Just found out about you & Shine today, mid-August, so I can’t really participate, but I’m doing an archive read-through. And already I’m squirming. Looking people in the eye creeps me out. It feels like an uncomfortable level of intimacy, as though I’m pretending to be their friend when in fact I don’t know them at all. Probably this has to do with my being faceblind (see prosopagnosia in Wikipedia & elsewhere), so I don’t actually know if I “know” someone at all. But it seems when you look someone in the eye, then they expect you to recognize them if/when they see you again. My approach is to look just past everyone with a vaguely pleasant expression, so if they know me they can take the initiative to smile or speak. I don’t look at my shoes, but staring directly at people seems just asking for trouble.